Thursday, November 6, 2014

challenge - day 6 (a tough one)

grammy will be 100 on saturday.

I'm 99 for a moment
And dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

it's bittersweet, because - i mean, WOW 100!!  
but she's been bed-ridden for so long now, and mom & the aunts & the nurses & some cousins & i don't even know who else have been taking care of her.
and sometimes someone will say something about they think she's just waiting to turn 100 & won't stay here for long after that.

and it's hard, because it feels like we're just waiting for her to die.

and i don't mean that in a harsh way, but no matter how you say it or think it or feel it... 
it feels harsh.  at least, it does to me.

anyway.

i never really know what to say about grammy.  i love her, and when i was little, i spent more time w/ her & grandpa than i did w/ my parents!  i'm sure i didn't really, or at least not in a bad way, if that makes sense?  i just have a lot more memories of her & grandpa than i do of mom & dad at a certain time in my life.  for example - i remember grammy giving me baths.  i remember grandpa teaching me to ride a bike.  i remember him wheeling me around in a wheelbarrow.  i remember grammy giving me cookies and juice in tiny little glasses and tucking me in at night.  i remember playing "bar" in the basement w/ grandpa.  i remember them taking me to a monster truck thing & the fair & shopping.  i remember the way the sheets at their house smelled - and the way certain pillow cases grammy had embroidered smelled years after i'd taken them home!!  

(i have lots of happy memories of mom & dad & phil when we were little, too, don't worry!  the crap stuff that happened when i was a kid is still crap stuff, but i was blessed with a VERY VERY VERY good childhood, and i never want to foget that.)

(sorry, tangent!)

i didn't spend a lot of time w/ grammy after grandpa died.  i don't know why - i mean, i don't know if i really DIDN'T or if my memories are somehow stunted after his funeral?  memories are funny beasts, i tell ya!  
but i spent more time w/ her in recent years - putting together a family picture album for christmas one year; playing canasta... oh, the hours spent at her house playing cards!!  those are some of my favorite memories of her.

and when her time comes, and she goes to be with the Lord, i'll be sad, but at the same time, to me it sort of feels like she's already gone.  it's not like w/ dad - i wasn't expecting him to go so soon, i wasn't ready to let go of him.  i'm still not ready to let go of him & it's been 8 years.
8 years of blessings, to be sure, but still 8 years of missing his hugs.
but w/ grammy - there has been so much stress on mom & the aunts this past year, but they all (WE all) love her, and are each trying to do what they think is best for her.  it's just sad that they can't agree on things & it's caused all this tension & hurt & sometimes it feels like hate, even tho i don't think any of them would call it that.
i know they all hate the feelings of anger & hurt, but no one is stepping up to STOP IT.
sometimes i just want to tell them to grow the fuck up already & quit caring about stupid shit like rugs & placemats & where the vacuum is stored.

but i don't tell any of them that, not really.  
well, and obviously i wouldn't swear at them.
probably.
altho you never know w/ me.  i'm shifty.
hahahaahaha!  sorry, couldn't keep a straight face.

ANYWAY!
this is what you get on day six.  rambling thoughts i didn't even know i was going to write, but they just sort of pour out of me once i start typing.

i was going to tell you about my day & how my wallmates shared their last breadstick from little caesar's w/ me & how it was GARLICKY GOODNESS & how debi's emails kept going to my deleted folder for some reason this week & then today they went back to my inbox & it was weirding me out!  and how i finished Tillie Cole's Sweet Fall & it was emotional & hard to read but still really good & i would recommend it if you like emotional & hard to read but worth it books.

oh, and i was going to tell you about the starbucks runs today, because they were interesting.  the gal this morning is always very chatty & knows my name & we get along & i think we'd be friends.  today while we waited for my coffee to be ready, she told me about getting her tats touched up & had a very amusing story about her back piece & shoulder work, & then the next car came through & were giving her their order.  they must've said something mean because after she finished taking their order she wasn't happy w/ them!  
and then this afternoon's gal (yes, i went twice, don't look at me like that!) is also always very sweet, but she messes up my order a lot - BUT because she's very sweet, she always ends up giving it to me for free when she messes it up!  still, i hope everything's okay, because she didn't start messing things up til like last week & she's been there a while... 

so, i was going to tell you all of that, but then i got distracted w/ the grammy stories.
but i guess i told you all of that anyway.  
lucky you!  
?
: ) 

now i'm not sure what i'm reading next, because i can't decide if i want another emotional read that i KNOW i will love (Harper Sloan's Locke, because i love her Corps Security series) or what sounds like a light & potentially funny read by a new-to-me author.

i'm leaning more toward Locke, but we'll see!

ttfn!

p.s.
i wore earrings today for the first time in maybe two years.
yes, i was able to get them in.
and i didn't even get a headache from them, which is why i stopped wearing earrings a couple years ago.
will this be the beginning of my wearing them regularly?
i do not know, but i would like to.

: ) 



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