Thursday, August 7, 2014
the sad feeling literally just hit me all of a sudden. altho yesterday i was grumpy for seemingly no reason, so perhaps it wasn't as sudden as it felt. i was already a little off, but had tomorrow scheduled as vacation to take chloe to the shop for another recall fix. and also to see about fixing my driver's window motor, which has lasted a good 117,000 miles, but is now having some massive lapses in performance!
and then mom texted me - i forgot to get something from her last night at her house, and so i asked if she left it at the house for me. she said no, that i'd need to stop by grammy's to pick it up, and that she'd like me to bring her a shake from whitey's as well.
reading those words, sitting at my desk, i felt like the floor dropped out from under me, i started to tear up & then two seconds later i had to rush to the bathroom which thankfully was empty, to have a cry.
you can call me selfish or a bitch or a million other horrible things - it's sometimes how i feel about myself. i haven't been able to go & see grammy since she began to deteriorate. from the moment i was born, i was my grammy & grandpa's baby. i stayed the night with them every weekend when i was little. they took me to fairs & truck pulls & tastee freeze & i don't even know what else. up until my grandpa got sick, i was HIS. and in recent years, i've gotten closer to grammy again, over there w/ mom & aunt jan or the other aunts to play canasta. i love her. i love her so much! but i can't see her. the thought of even being near the house right now, well, i don't think about it. mom & i talk about what's going on (the drama and how grammy's doing), but i don't think about my decision. i know it's the right one for me. my reaction to that text today just proves it.
i know it's not the right way for everyone to handle things - i get that. but for me, it works. i don't watch the news, i don't pay attention to political things, i don't focus on things that make me sad. for the most part. i mean, i am aware of things going on, but i don't focus on it. as soon as i focus on something sad, i get sucked into a world of empathetic torture that literally makes me sick.
i can't even finish my thought on that. i need to reboot. i need to think on the things that make me happy, the things that allow me to be a blessing and make others happy. of course, then that circles around to making grammy happy, which probably going over there would do in the moment. but it would damage me for longer than a moment, and i just, i can't give that.
and that started the tears again.
i've been neglecting my therapy lately, i think. reading is a type of therapy, but writing... writing is very cathartic. and i've been remiss in getting rid of my thoughts lately. at least, i suppose that's what made me break down in tears at work today. i haven't been feeling particularly sad lately, actually things have been going pretty darn well. i'm very blessed, and very thankful for those blessings!
i love my job, truly love my job. i enjoy my co-workers, i enjoy making them smile and laugh (intentionally and unintentionally just by being me). i am so grateful that i get to HELP ppl every day. i pray daily for wisdom & knowledge to be a blessing & to help. that sounds so pollyanna, but helping ppl w/ things, making their lives just a TAD easier, fills me w/ joy.
i am blessed to have vacation time, to be able to travel, to be acknowledged as a SME (subject matter expert) in things. i am blessed to have friends and family who love me & who i KNOW love me. i am blessed to have a roof & be able to provide help when ppl need it, even if that sometimes causes its own kind of stress...
i've met some of my favorite authors. i've visited beautiful cities. i've read some really AMAZING books. i've hung out w/ my mom & nephews. i've hung out w/ friends and made their grandbabies smile & giggle. i've hung out w/ fabulous cousins. i've been to massively enjoyable concerts. all w/in the last year, some just last month or the last two months! (goodness, it's august, time flies!)
(i can feel myself lightening as i write, as i get this all out. i can literally feel myself getting back to myself.)
last month, i started a new adventure that i'm very thankful for. yes, it involves a guy who is a friend but more than a friend. no; we are not dating. i love every bit of time he gives me. i enjoy being in the moment each & every time, and when the moment is done, it's done until the next moment. that's where it's at, and that's where it might always be, until there aren't any more moments. and as much as i (again, perhaps selfishly) want all the moments to last, there is a good chance this will have an expiration date. i knew that going in, but i'm not focusing on that potential expiration date. i'm enjoying moment by moment and letting myself be happy.
i'm usually an open book about things, you know very well, but i'm not about this. it's not that i don't want to share - i love to share! but i don't want advice or well-meaning comments or to answer questions or anything. and (aside from my general boy-craziness and obsession w/ mr c!) i don't ever really talk about men in my life. generalities, yes, but not specifics. this time i WANT to talk about specifics, but w/o inviting all of that other stuff. and i don't think that's fair. i know ppl have questions - i get them all the time and they generally just make me feel ... less.
i'm tired of feeling like less because my path isn't what ppl expect from me. and so i am just going to be me. sometimes ppl agree w/ me, sometimes they don't, but i will always be honest - even if my honest answer is i don't want to talk about it, and hopefully ppl will respect that. :)
i don't feel so tied up in knots anymore. thanks for reading. thanks for being my therapy.
you & you & you, thank you for the texts. *HUGS* love your hearts & prayers lots & lots. *smoochies*