you see it every once in a while, those FB or Twitter posts about a celebrity being dead. and two seconds later all the comments that it's a hoax. you never know what to believe, and so you wait to see the story picked up by a reputable news station or something. something you can trust. sometimes, you know it must be real because they're 90 or have been sick and as much as you prayed they'd live forever, you know it just won't happen. then there are the young ones, the ones you just cannot believe until you have no choice, like paul walker. i like paul, enjoy his acting, but wouldn't call myself a "fan." i learned more about his life after he passed than i knew while he was alive. still, i grieved for his loss, the tragedy that was his sudden exit from this world. i grieved for his family, for the ache that they now know, because i know that ache.
and then today, to hear of the death of robin williams, a man i AM a fan of, a man whose career i've followed, whose battle with addiction inspired me, whose humor could always put a smile on my face. his more serious aspects, even in humorous roles, always broke me. he could make you laugh hysterically & then rip your heart out in the span of five minutes.
my favorites - mork & mindy, toys, dead poets society, jumanji ... i want to watch them now. i want to dig them out & have a marathon. i pray for his family, i know how much they will miss him. i mourn his loss as an outsider, and i will always be as close to him as i ever was, through his work. but his family has lost his hugs, his laugh in their ears, his advice, his motivation... they are missing things so much more strongly than we ever could. i know that feeling, i still have that feeling, nearly 8 years later.
i posted to my FB - depression knows no color, no career, no expectation. depression can hit at the happiest of times. depression is not just "feeling sad." it is real. it is dangerous. and sometimes, no matter how hard you fight, it is deadly.
you know i suffer from panic attacks and anxiety. i don't recall suffering from these things as much when i was younger. the combination of being bullied at a former job and daddy passing away unlocked those things in a severity that unfortunately grew over the years. along with those things, i have definitely suffered depression. this weekend was a prime example of one such bout. well, thursday. even now, tho i feel more like myself, today i could still feel it weighing me down.
i've been blessed, in many ways but most especially in that my depression has not manifested into suicidal thoughts at all. to have those thoughts beating you down, day in, day out, no matter how "happy" you're supposed to be, i'm grateful to be spared that. i'm grateful for my coping mechanisms. but i'm so very, very sad for robin and his family. and altho i've said it before, i will take this opportunity to say it again - if you have anxiety, panic attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts, anything - if your coping mechanisms or medication aren't working, TALK ABOUT IT. see help, wherever you can. for me, it's being open about how i'm feeling, it's writing & sharing, and sometimes sharing too much, but i will do whatever it takes to make sure that I'M OKAY. even when i'm not okay, ya know? you have to be your own advocate, but you do have a support system, so USE THEM. they love you, I love you, and we want you to be as okay as you can be.
i will say it again.
i love you. the Lord loves you, even if you don't believe in him, he believes in you. i believe in you.
i believe in me, too. :)