Thursday, July 31, 2014

The Fight

It’s been nearly 10 years since I worked at the place where I was bullied on a daily basis.  It’s been nearly 10 years since I’ve worked with ppl who whispered behind my back and gave off horribly bad vibes when I walked into a room and yet pretended to be nice to my face.  It’s been nearly 10 years, and yet today I heard whispering and IMMEDIATELY was right back to that place.  Immediately I felt panic seize me and try to tell me they’re talking about me.  I know they’re not.  I know it in my core, in my soul.  I know the truth, I can feel the truth (just like I knew it 10 years ago, but didn’t want to believe it).  And still, the amount of damage that was done there, and throughout various points in my life, stays with me. 
Every lash, every blow, every hurt, right there at the surface for me to fight off, as I sit there and try to concentrate on work.
I am so thankful for the ppl who I work with now, for the atmosphere and the feeling I have now, because it helps me to FIGHT OFF that awful feeling.  So, even though it happens, it appears… it disappears just as quickly now, rather than making me sick every day.  Thank God.

On a non-work note, I have something new going on right now, and it's exciting but a little bit scary, and yet it's surprising how NOT scared I am.  I'm excited, and hopeful that I won't disappoint.  I don't really think it's possible at this point for me to be disappointed, but I don't want to disappoint someone else.  I want to be what's needed, what's wanted... I've been saying "We'll see" a lot lately, and that's how I feel.  


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