Thursday, July 31, 2014

The Fight

It’s been nearly 10 years since I worked at the place where I was bullied on a daily basis.  It’s been nearly 10 years since I’ve worked with ppl who whispered behind my back and gave off horribly bad vibes when I walked into a room and yet pretended to be nice to my face.  It’s been nearly 10 years, and yet today I heard whispering and IMMEDIATELY was right back to that place.  Immediately I felt panic seize me and try to tell me they’re talking about me.  I know they’re not.  I know it in my core, in my soul.  I know the truth, I can feel the truth (just like I knew it 10 years ago, but didn’t want to believe it).  And still, the amount of damage that was done there, and throughout various points in my life, stays with me. 
Every lash, every blow, every hurt, right there at the surface for me to fight off, as I sit there and try to concentrate on work.
I am so thankful for the ppl who I work with now, for the atmosphere and the feeling I have now, because it helps me to FIGHT OFF that awful feeling.  So, even though it happens, it appears… it disappears just as quickly now, rather than making me sick every day.  Thank God.

On a non-work note, I have something new going on right now, and it's exciting but a little bit scary, and yet it's surprising how NOT scared I am.  I'm excited, and hopeful that I won't disappoint.  I don't really think it's possible at this point for me to be disappointed, but I don't want to disappoint someone else.  I want to be what's needed, what's wanted... I've been saying "We'll see" a lot lately, and that's how I feel.  


Saturday, July 26, 2014

Why I'm Grateful for Fifty Shades (even though I've never read it)

when the hype started about this little book called Fifty Shades of Grey, i was annoyed.  i'd grown up reading romance novels, but shying away from the sex scenes.  i didn't need to read all of that detail - it detracted from the story.  and the hype around fifty was ALL ABOUT THE SEX and the "red room of pain."  really?  why would someone want to read that?!  ppl coined the phrase "mommy porn" for this book.

then more & more ppl at work, friends, kept saying it wasn't as bad as all the hype & they really enjoyed it & etc., etc.  and i asked about the story, and got a feel for what it was really about aside from the BDSM aspect.  there were other ppl, friends, who had read it who enjoyed the story but thought it could have been told in less chapters (less than 3 books, you know) because while it was good, by book 3 it just felt very repetitive.

and so my resolve to not read the books has held firm.  might that change some time?  sure - i was firmly against e-books for quite the while, and now i enjoy the savings and convenience of my e-books & kindle reader A LOT!  so i'm not saying i'll never read the books, or see the movie.  i'm saying right now, i haven't the desire.

i started off my story today with this information so you'll understand that my thoughts are not coming from the place of a fan of the books.  

recently, there was an article written by someone who hasn't read the books, and it was a very judgmental piece about why they are evil, why no one should read them, why everyone who calls themselves a christian should boycott the movie coming out.  this article talked about the characters and their attributes with authority, and judged them harshly.  again, this person has never read the books, and is basing their information on ... what?  the hype?  the bare bones of certain aspects of the story?  i'm not sure.  i just know that when i read the article, it made me angry at the finger pointing, and the attempt at guilting christians into being against this book because it was wrong.  

but you know what?  

i'm grateful to Fifty Shades, and here's why:

- this book inspired ppl to READ.  i have read countless blogs, comments, FB posts, etc., about how ppl (men AND women) hadn't picked up a book in years, or had never had a desire to read anything, and they picked up fifty shades and loved it so much that they now devour more books in a year than they'd ever read in their lives previously.

- this book inspired some of my favorite authors to finally WRITE the books that had been rattling around in their brains for years.  because of the resurgence of demand for LOVE STORIES, these authors took a chance and began to write.  they hit publish.  they created stories for many others to fall in love with - myself included.  some of my all-time favorite books today would not exist if it weren't for E.L. James and her decision to write this little bit of "fan fiction."  (if that's even what it started out as - i've heard that, but no idea of it's truthfulness!) 

- this book caused ppl to THINK and to DISCUSS and to get together.  it brought ppl together who may otherwise have never met.  it helped create and foster friendships for ppl around the world.  and i just think that is amazing.

i take exception to calling romance and erotica "porn" or "trashy novels."  i take exception to ppl looking down their noses at these stories, calling them anything other than literature.  just because something is not your cup of tea to read does NOT make it wrong.  does not negate the hard work of the author, or the joy it inspires in others.  not everyone enjoys the same type of art - whether that art is in the form of a painting, sculpture, book, movie, music.  it is ALL art.  if it was created out of someone's passion, it IS ART.  the purpose of art is to garner emotion, a reaction.  the reaction doesn't always have to be positive, and the negativity of one person's reaction does not, SHOULD NOT, in any way detract from the positive reaction of someone else.  it does not, and SHOULD NOT detract from the artist's hard work.  

romantic fiction - yes, even erotic fiction - is at its heart about L O V E.  it's about healing and redemption, and sometimes in order to feel the healing or the redemption of the characters, traits that are unattractive or selfish are shared.  sometimes the characters are so bad, you're not sure HOW they will be redeemed.  but if a story is crafted well, the journey to redemption and to their finding that one person who makes them want to be better, who makes them want to stop their selfish and sometimes whoring ways, who makes them think of THEM instead of themselves... it's an amazing journey, and it's what i look for in a book.

are there particular storylines that i, myself, have no desire to read?  
why yes, yes there are!  
i'm not particularly fond of BDSM, love triangles, multiple sexual partners w/in a relationship, or m/m f/f stories.  but do i seek out those stories & bash them or judge the ppl who DO enjoy them?

uh, no.
because that's not my place.  
and when those storylines are a peripheral (such as in Kristen Proby's Breathe With Me - the heroine's best friend is gay, and he has a relationship that follows along w/ the H/h relationship, and was i rooting for that relationship along w/ the H/h's?  you betchya!  would i want to read a whole book with that relationship as the focus?  nope - but there are ppl who would love it!)  

i don't judge ppl who would rather listen to chamber music over 5FDP or breaking benjamin.  i like yanni and shinedown and metallica and justin timberlake and ariana grande and boy bands from the 90's and sometimes elvis and othertimes chubby checker.
i love coffee, don't really like alcohol enough to drink it daily, enjoy a good cheeseburger and sometimes a decent veggie dish.  

(that was sorta a tangent, but hopefully you see my point, a bit?)

so, in conclusion, this is me.
i love the Lord.
i believe in God the Father, Jesus His Son, and the Holy Spirit.
i believe that Jesus's purpose, the reason he chose to give up heaven for a while & join us on earth to be tortured mercilessly and experience human death, was to teach us about compassion, and love, and to save us from distance from the Father.

and i read romance novels (and yes, there is sex in these novels, but they are NOT trashy and they are NOT pornography), and will continue to do so.
(and yes, i read the sex scenes more often now.  i'm an adult this time around!)

and i'm grateful to Fifty Shades of Grey and E.L. James for taking a risk & putting her story out there, even if i decide to never read them or see the movie.  

ttfn! : ) 

Sunday, July 20, 2014


as much fun as this trip was, i'm so happy to be home & SO HAPPY i took tomorrow off!  whew!  phil forgot to come over to take a look at angel, so i'm glad i left her two bowls of food & two bowls of water!  oye.  

this morning was interesting!  *laugh*  we got up & went down to breakfast & then swimming.  we discovered a leak in the ceiling in our bathroom.  d'oh!  

i finished my bella andre book (super cute - all her sullivan books are super cute!) & then we hit the road.

car ride home - we listened to lots of eye of the tiger, leyton took a nap, there were a few cars which had me seething.  one nearly took us out because they weren't paying attention to my signal!  oye!!!  we had fazoli's for lunch & then got some donuts at a quicktrip.  we didn't stop at the BPS, but we did stop at I80 truck stop & i got leyton an army pin & a smoothie from caribou.  unfortunately, the smoothie didn't make it  -  he was trying to open the door instead of knocking or waiting for me to get to the door & he dumped smoothie all over the front stoop & his pillow pet & a little on himself.  that broke him.  poor lil guy!  i hugged him & said, "it's okay" & he was like, "no, it's not!"  to which i replied, "well, it sucks, but it's okay."  and then he was okay.  i sloughed off as much as i could from the pillow pet, put it in a garbage bag & he took it down to the laundry room.  

angel was happy to have me home.  as much as i don't really want to get back in the car, i do want to watch tonight's BB, so i think i'll head over to mom's in a bit.  : ) 

okay, ttfn - oh, i'm going to pop in the pictures from yesterday into yesterday's post.  LOL  

Saturday, July 19, 2014

party central

leyton woke me up at like 7:30 this morning.  i suppose that was 2 hours of sleeping in... *laugh*  but i really didn't want to get up!  i did, tho, and we went down to get some breakfast - normally they have eggs & bacon or sausage, but this time they mostly just had bread products - bagels, danish, waffles, biscuits (but w/ sausage gravy).  hoping tomorrow's options include some eggs at least!  there was yogurt, tho, so i had some of that.  leyton had some fruit & a bagel & we shared a danish.  and their coffee is pretty good.  *laugh*

after breakfast, i read for a bit & then we went down to the pool.  had it to ourselves, again, yay!  played catch & whatnot for an hour or so, then came back to the room to rest up for the party.  went to sarah's at 10:30 & hung out.  leyton & the boys got right along.  sarah's mom arrived w/ crystal's girls (juliana & emma, and their brother aviel) & her grandparents arrived & the party got started.  there were a couple other ppl there, as well.  we all had lots of fun, lunch, playing w/ water guns & such.  : )  

okay, here is where these really cute pictures of the little girl leyton was trying to talk to by chasing around w/ a water gun would be (alivia or olivia, not sure how they spell it!) except for some reason they won't load.  
grrr.  if i ever get them to, they'll be here.

my mind is much (mush.  it's so much mush that i didn't even realize i'd typed much instead of mush.  LOL).  *laugh*  sarah & the boys joined us for swimming this evening, and it was a really good time!  i'm so happy we got to hang out & that leyton gets along w/ the stephen, chase, juliana & emma.  and the other kids, too. 

i'll add pictures later.  : )  i think i'll let leyton swim for a bit tomorrow after breakfast before we check out.  

i hope phil remembered to check on angel... he never did text me back.  grrrr.  

oh!  i found a starbucks in hy vee!  guess where we'll be stopping before we head out of town?  *grin*


road trip w/ the 7 year old!

yesterday was a pretty funny day.  so, after being SUPER busy on thursday & not having time to get a lot done, there were a lot of things i wanted to get done yesterday.  plus, i decided to take all day monday off instead of just 4 hours.  :)  

things were going pretty well, moving right along, getting things accomplished, and then around 8:30 - the fire alarm starts blaring.  we'd just had a test the other day & our facilities dude sent out an email telling us we could ignore that one.  we did not have such an email on friday, so therefore, we all had to troop out of the building.  d'oh!  we were out there for a little bit - VERY beautiful day, thankfully! - and then got the all-clear to go back in.  except the alarm was still blaring.  it sounded like dueling, angry, alien crickets.  

finally, the fire dept came & the landlord came & the blaring stopped.  WHEW!  

i was able to get most of what i'd wanted accomplished, but forgot a few things, which of course i thought of as i was going home.  LOL 

grabbed coffee from dunn bros, finished packing at home, made sure angel had extra food & water, and then headed off to pick up leyton.  :)  

the trip went really fast (for me) but really slow (for leyton).  and, surprisingly, he didn't request christmas music!  i'd been anticipating the glee christmas albums getting a lot of play, but nope.  we listened to the radio for a bit, some griffin peterson, some 80's, and finally some yanni.  leyton took a nap for the last 40 minutes or so.  : )  before that, we chatted a lot & only made a few stops for the loo & lunch.  

when we got into town, we checked into the hotel & immediately went swimming.  : )  well, leyton went swimming, i just dipped my feet in.  heh.  also got to text-chat w/ sarah a bit (the boys were EARLY to bed, so couldn't join us) & my friend shane (he's been having a fun time painting his house... LOL).  went to DQ for dinner & then got to read a bit while leyton watched the kids choice sports awards & then BED.  *laugh*

now it's time for breakfast (they do a free breakfast at the hotel, which is cool, but there are a LOT of carb options & not a lot of protein options.  actually, today the only protein option would be the yogurt, i think.  hmph.  then we're going to head down for more swimming.  hopefully we have the pool to ourselves again... 

later is stephen's bday party & hang out time w/ that group!  : )  


Thursday, July 17, 2014

adrenaline rush

howdy, blog buddies!  and random ppl stopping by from a google search of "adrenaline!"  LOL  

lately i have been feeling very manic.  very... all over the place.  part of it is because of something going on that i'm not ready to share w/ the masses (it's a happy thing, or at least, it makes me happy!  LOL).  part of it is because things have been really, really crazy at work & even tho i feel stressed out, i seem to thrive on what's been going on, as well.  part of it is stuff going on w/ grammy - my mom has been stressed out & that sorta stresses me out, and we don't get to talk (really talk) about what's going on very often, so when i hear about all the crap going down... it just makes me feel bad & wish i could 'fix' the whole situation somehow.  

and then, the thing that has been stressing me out but not - it's hard to explain.  it's stress, but it's good stress?  idk, that explanation is close, i guess.  today was the third event our director has put on, and the second one i was in charge of.  the last event, i had more help organizing it and it was at a company facility, so i didn't really have to do a lot of prep work about the food or venue.  i just put in my request for the date we wanted & the number of ppl & they took care of the menu & stuff.  with this one, it was at a company associated venue, but not a company facility, and i had my first experience working with a budget & such.  trying to work out enough food & beverage for nearly 100 ppl on the budget i had was ... a big task.  i spoke several times w/ the venue's event coordinator to try & work out exactly what was needed.  and it was a different kind of spread from what we'd had previously, so i was just a little nervous about what the reactions would be & such.  then i had requested photos of the room so i'd know the layout beforehand, but i didn't get those, so i had some anxiety about that.  i wasn't sure how to get to the venue - even tho i'd been there before, it was a while ago!  

and THEN!  *laugh*  i'd asked for volunteers to speak about their experiences w/ the company, and no one was volunteering, so one of my pod-mates volunteered.  then the gal who was helping me w/ the details got another job at a different area in the company & bowed out of the event.  i got a new volunteer from that facility, but it was like 2 weeks before the event.  EEP!  then she volunteered to be one of my speakers.  yay!  then i mentioned i needed one more volunteer & one of the guys in my office kindly stepped up, sending me a note saying, "i volunteer as tribute!"  *grin*  he's a good guy!  

then, a couple days ago, my manager's manager mentioned that our director had encouraged a couple of her peers to volunteer to speak.  so i sent her a note, she sent a note back, and we had two more volunteers - one is another director of HR & one is a VP of HR.  yep.  vice president!  now, i'm not intimidated by titles or whatever.  ppl are ppl, from the president & CEO down to the line worker down to the janitor down to the janitorial assistants.  they're ppl.  and i was happy to have five volunteers to speak!!  did this mean i didn't have to speak?  OH NO!  *laugh*  this meant that i was asked to introduce the speakers!  


so, i was a little anxious!  i wrote up an introduction for each person & printed it off & brought it w/ me to the venue along w/ name tags (which, unfortunately, did NOT print off in alpha order.  d'oh!!).  my newest PIC (partner in crime for organizing the event) gathered up some gift cards & pens to do a drawing & give to the volunteers.  : )  

oh, so before the event... today was just monumentally INSANE.  i had a meeting scheduled w/ my manager, a lunch meeting w/ some ppl including my manager, and then this event.  and my phone/IM/email were off the chain w/ various issues popping up - a few involving ppl's pay or missing pay due to timecards not being submitted or approved in time to get paid out when they needed to.  so!  i'm trying to put out fires in btwn meetings & going over things for the event & answering questions & i seriously thought i was broken at one point because i just couldn't take any more!  and i had a stress headache.  :(  which a friend very kindly supplied some headache meds for that (so i feel better now!).  : )  

my meeting went very well, until my boss's boss came in to let us know her mother had just passed away that morning & she needed my manager to give the introduction to a meeting later that morning.  so of course i was feeling sad & emotional for her loss.  :(  so much loss lately.  lots of hugs & prayers being sent around!!  

after that meeting, i had about an hour & a half to put out more timecard fires before lunch.  we ended up going to miss mamie's & i had crab cakes & salad & a roll & it was DELICIOUS!  and it was really nice to get to know a couple new ppl & learn more about my pod-mate as well.  : )  we got back about 1/2 an hour later than scheduled, which gave me only 1/2 an hour to get my list of notes from the morning done... i did not get the list done, so will work on it tomorrow.  but i'm only there for 4 hours tomorrow because then leyton & i are heading to MC!  

anyway, at my morning meeting, i'd mentioned that i wasn't sure how to get to the venue & was anxious about it, so my manager offered to go early & let me follow her there.  yay!  PTL for her!  she is a great friend and manager and i'm very thankful for her!!  : )   so, we left about 1:45 & got to the venue & then 



major, major adrenaline rush!  my PIC stepped right up & got some things set up & a server came over to take our drink orders & that diet coke hit me NICE because i really needed the caffeine!!  : )  and then ppl started arriving, and hostess carrie came out to play and then MR C arrived - i'd asked him last week if he was going to be at this one because he couldn't make the last one & he said yes, but i still wasn't sure if he was coming.  :D  so, that was really nice!  i flitted from table to table, letting ppl know where the food table was located & that they could snack at any time & also that they could go out onto the porch/deck if they wanted to, to enjoy the GORGEOUS weather.  : )  so, mingle, mingle, mingle, and chatted w/ our director & my PIC to get the schedule worked out & then it was 3 o'clock & we got everyone seated inside & settled & our director introduced me & then i was on.  

WHEW!  the speaker order was - my PIC, the VP, tribute dude, the other director, and my pod-mate.  other than the VP, who i'd not met before & only had my intro notes to go w/, i had an anecdote about each of our speakers.  : )  i got some laughs, so that's always a plus!  the VP & director both spoke about seizing opportunities, so before i intro'd our last speaker, i mentioned that & shared a little about how grateful i was for THIS opportunity, how thankful i was to our director for giving me the opportunity to do this, because i NEVER thought i would be able to step up in front of everyone & speak like this - and actually ENJOY it.  

everyone did such an amazing job speaking, and after that we did the drawing for some gift cards, and then it was 20 more minutes to mingle & wind down.  : )   everyone was SUPER nice with their compliments to me about my intro's & everything - saying they wouldn't know i was nervous at all, that i'm a natural.  idk how much of that is true & how much is just that i'm blessed to work with SUPER NICE ppl, but i appreciated their compliments anyway & definitely made me feel better!!  : )  

AND i got to talk w/ our VP (good night, he is TAAAALLL - like, phil tall) for a little bit & w/ everyone else, too, and i truly do enjoy that part - chatting w/ ppl & getting to know them & what's going on w/ them & stuff.  :D  once i get going i enjoy the "performance" of being in front of ppl, too, but only because they're such a great group!  : )  

WHEW again!  at the end, as everything was winding down & ppl were leaving & whatnot, i finally got to have some grapes & cheese (yummy!) & come down from the adrenaline rush & i felt almost like a crash.  THAT was the time i needed a vodka lemonade.  LOL  but i stopped at starbucks & got an extra shot in my coffee instead.  ; )  

SO!  that's my story today!  : )  i'm going to read for a bit & then head over to mom's to watch tonight's BB & then tomorrow it's do what i can for 1/2 a day, run to the store to pick up road snacks, pick up leyton from phil's & hit the road to visit sarah, mark, stephen & chase!  : )  oh, and pick up a bday card for stephen... he is going to be 11 & has asked for CASH.  smart kid.  ; )  

God is good.  God is sooooo good.  i'm so thankful for the many, many blessings He gives me.  i'm truly thankful for being able to pull off this event w/o passing out.  it was touch & go there for a minute!  (part of that minute MIGHT have had to do w/ mr c and his adorableness... *laugh*) 


Wednesday, July 16, 2014

I'm in Trouble

i love this song.

i love the memories this video brings up from my weekend in nashville.

watching these guys perform... getting to meet all the authors & tabitha & lauren (i wish they lived closer - i would totally hang out w/ them!!).

and of course, meeting my newest baby cousin for the first time & getting to hang out w/ boo, nate & bran, and even blake for a bit!

plus, right now this song is - or at least the title/chorus! - is fitting how i'm feeling.  *laugh*

anyway, i hope you enjoy the song & check out the other videos from this event - i'm sure you can find the whole concert, a couple of songs by different ppl til you see the whole set.  love love!

now i should get to bed - tomorrow is a busy, busy day!