Saturday, April 26, 2014

keeping it real - the dating edition

i know - two entries, two days in a row.  no one will know what to think!  lol

so, a couple weeks ago, a spur of the moment decision to sign up for a dating site again hit me.  i have not had the best luck w/ dating sites.  when i was in college, back in the day of truly free internet & truly free dating sites - you know, the full fledged kind of free where they didn't pick & choose what "options" you got for free - i was on a couple.  this was also before posting pictures online became the rage, and so you would just email or IM (ICQ chat, anyone?  LOL)(or ISCABBS!!!!) for a while, get to know someone, and then exchange pictures via snail mail.  at that time, i was also non-dating a couple guys IRL.  

let me just sidebar here & say non-dating is a weird concept.  it's like they're saying, "i like you a lot, i enjoy hanging out w/ you, buying you things, and being physically affectionate, but i don't actually want to have a 'relationship' with you."  at the time, i wasn't really looking for a relationship kinda relationship, either, so it was no big.  

let me just sidebar again to say i had a couple of those non-dating things going on in HS, too.  i was okay with these because nearly my entire HS career was spent crushing on AK, to the point where i was not so much open to a romantic entanglement with someone else. 

HOWEVER, these non-dating relationships were contributing to the death of my self-esteem in ways i didn't even realize at the time.  sure, i would cry over the fact that these guys spilled their guts to me on a sometimes daily basis & then dated my friends.  and yes, i realized that it hurt when i'd been talking to someone on a daily basis who suddenly stopped calling/writing after receiving a picture of me in the mail.  there were several times in HS when a wrong number turned into months of conversations, only to drop off after that picture was sent.  on the surface, i went on w/ my happy-go-lucky-social-butterfly life.  but inside, every time crushed me a little more.  

i would go out w/ friends & stand by as they were flirted with and given numbers and asked out and all of that.  guys would talk to me, we would flirt & get along & whatnot.  friends would later say they thought so & so was interested in me - after so & so had asked THEM out & they were surprised.  

the hardest - and i've somehow blocked out all of the good things about this relationship, because i was really quite devastated by our last phone call - was a man named carlos.  i know we had been talking for months before he saw a picture of me, through email, snail mail, and phone calls.  i'd been through the picture thing many times by then, but he really wanted to see me.  he promised that no matter what, he liked having me in his life & even if an actual relationship didn't work out, i wouldn't lose him as a friend.  i don't think he meant to lie.  i know he didn't because he was the one man who ended things honestly and over the phone.  he called me after receiving that letter with my picture, and he apologized for not being physically attracted to me.  he said he loved my personality and humor, etc., but he just couldn't get past not being attracted to my picture.  that phone call was hard.  we both cried.  but we didn't talk after that phone call.  

i'm not sure how long after that my non-dating friendship with jason fell apart, after he started dating one of my friends - a friend i had confessed to having feelings for jason not even a week before they started dating.  and after that, i was just done.  i was done with talking to guys online; i was done flirting with wrong numbers (and let me tell you, that shit was HARD because i loved flirting with wrong numbers!).  i stopped even noticing guys.

and that lasted for years.  i was in such a ... i don't even know what to call it, but it was to the point that i didn't recognize when a guy did actually like me.  i didn't get those cues, and because of that i lost out on a pretty great guy.  i still miss him.  i still think about him & wonder what he's up to, my brother still runs into him around on occasion.  but that ship sailed, and my one attempt at contacting him again (after he'd been in contact w/ me first) elicited a disappearing act.  this disappearing act was really beneath who i thought he was, but again, because the time when he was interested, i was completely clueless.  

*sigh*  and so, after that, i shut down again.  part of this shut down is also due to my increasing anxiety issues.  my natural state is flirtation.  i LIKE flirting - even when i know it's not going anywhere (mr c)(guy at the coffee place)(guy at the bookstore) it is just fun to have that back & forth banter.  

but lately, what with my increased romance reading, mom continuously reminding me i will soon be 40, everyone & their brother (or, my brother) getting some action... i've wanted more.  i've never wanted the one-night-stand kinda thing, but with recent events, it just seems like maybe that's what i should go for.  easy girls apparently get their men.  (don't glare at me - i have examples, but i won't pull them out here since they are other ppl's stories to tell.  and besides, as i've mentioned before, sometimes a body just wants SEX.  i feel slightly disserviced by the way i grew up & being made to think that sex was dirty & a sin.  if it had been presented a bit differently... and if what happened when i was little hadn't happened... i may have recognized things going on a little earlier.)  

but, really, i'm still not that type of girl.  much as i like to think i could go on separating sex & love, i don't really think i could.  i could have fun, sure.  i would DEFINITELY have fun, actually.  but i think doing that again at this point in my life, it would destroy what little self-esteem i've managed to scrape back together.  i KNOW i'm the shit - i just haven't found the guy who thinks that yet.  and i want to.  

and so i joined this site.  and i'm giving it a month, because if the guy i'm looking for hasn't found me on there in a month... well, to be quite honest, i would rather spend that money on coffee & books & travel than to have what is happening now continue happening while i merrily throw away $$ on it.  see, what is happening is that my profile gets viewed, one of my photos even was "liked" - but no contact has been made so far.  there have been "interests" which means someone marked "yes" on something, but i have no idea what that actually means, because none of those "interests" have resulted in any sort of contact.

and i want the pursuit.  i want the interest to be such that he sends a note, stating that interest.  i want him to make a move, to show that he is the take-charge guy i need.  friends who have thought they were encouraging me by saying - or even thinking - that i should make the first move on whomever (mr c, random guy, whatever) don't understand what i'm looking for, or what i need.  because of my personality, because of how i am - the dichotomy (there's that word again!) of the social butterfly who likes to flirt but has somewhat debilitating anxiety at random intervals - the man for me needs to make his play and he needs to make it clear.  

i'm not getting that from this dating site, and i haven't gotten that from any guy in years.  and the few times i HAVE gotten that were when i was too clueless to clue in.  

so, i have 2 more weeks or so with this site, and then it is back to ... whatever.  i don't even know if God has a husband out there for me somewhere.  mom mentioned again today that she is praying for a spouse for me.  and with all that prayer, maybe God's answer is no.  maybe i don't get to have that, for whatever reason i don't understand now but will understand later.  i don't know.  some days i feel okay with that and some days i feel so discouraged and outraged at the fact that some women (and men) get to sleep around for years & then suddenly find the love of their lives & get the whole shebang of a happy marriage, and i have done my best not to be slutty mcslutterson, and yet... i get bupkiss.  

soooo.... yeah.  that's where i'm at today.  thanks for listening, yeah?  


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