Friday, April 25, 2014

anxiety's a bitch

yesterday i had a total of 3 1/2 panic attacks.  well, possibly a couple more, but i'm not counting two of them because i didn't need to leave the room for them.  yesterday my boss took us on a team luncheon.  we rented out the club room of a local grocery store & had a cooking demo, then lunch.  it was a lot of fun!  but, it was also a cause of the panic attacks.

now, i know all of these ppl.  i've talked to these ppl.  some of these ppl are friends.  one of these ppl was mr. c.  *laugh*  i've even been to this club room at this store before for a cooking demo.  there was absolutely NO REASON for panic.  and still, the day before, i felt the anxiety starting.  the day of, the work portion of my day was super busy & somewhat stress-inducing, but nothing terribly out of the ordinary, and yet i found my anxiety increasing exponentially.  i had to go out for an extra break to get some air.  i had originally been planning to drive myself so i could get groceries after the luncheon, since, you know, we were IN A GROCERY STORE.  (and that grocery store has a coffee shop w/ yummy coffee, even!)  however, with the avenue my anxiety was taking, i was afraid of a full-on-i'm-not-going-in-there attack coming about, so i asked if i could hitch a ride w/ marty.  

i was okay at first.  joined the group who'd already gotten there & chatted.  then the room started to fill up w/ ppl.  again - these are all ppl i know & like.  there are no "evil dawn's" in this group.  i am very, very blessed with my colleagues, and i'm very grateful for not only them but my boss.  she is a DREAM.  and yet, as the room filled up, my anxiety level spiked, i felt like i was going to pass out.  and then they announced we had to get into *gasp* groups to do part of the demo.  i latched on to a friend, which was cool, but then she wanted to station right up front.  agh!  i followed, i hovered, i laughed & chatted, all the while feeling that feeling that said i was going to pass out if i didn't leave soon.  i left.  i went out to the hallway before the shakes got too bad, and took deep, calming breaths for a few minutes.  

i came back in & was good for a few more minutes.  then i went back out & locked myself in the bathroom for a bit, put my hair up into a messy pony tail, and again calmed myself down enough to go back into the room.  at this point, most of the groups were done putting together their demos.  i sorta abandoned my group to do my anxiety-fueled social butterfly thing.

what's that?  you're confused by how i can be panicky and social butterfly-y?  

yeah.  join the club.  i have no idea how that works, but flitting from group to group chatting was helping & keeping my mind off of the room being filled w/ ppl, mostly.  and then i chatted w/ my boss for a bit & she is so, so, soooo super nice, i can't even explain.  blessed.  that is all i can say.  blessssed.  

then it was time to eat & the food was really tasty!  mushroom spinach soup, baked cod w/ some relish thing over it, roasted potatoes, and a yogurt granola thing for dessert.  very yummy, all of it!  i ate all the fish, but the other food i sorta picked at, not because i didn't like it, but because i tend to be a nibbler in situations like this.  *shrug*  

i was better once seated, and the fact that i was at a fantastic angle for a very handsome view actually helped my anxiety.  see - mr c doesn't make me nervous.  i mean, he does, sometimes, but for the most part i just enjoy him.  his smile could ... well, i won't wax poetic on the charms of mr c.  suffice it to say, i'm glad he's a nice guy, and he makes me laugh, and i'm glad to know him even the little bit that i do.

boss lady asked how i was doing & i honestly told her i was doing better, much cooled off, too, and then BAM she decides to have us all go around the room to introduce ourselves a bit.  oh. my. heck.  SERIOUSLY?!  i was doing so well there for a moment!  

but - here's the other thing - when i'm on the spot like that, my anxiety spikes, but my ... i don't know what to call it, my humor?  my funny bone?  my over-the-top-ed-ness?? ... comes out & i have the big smile & the vocal projection & the, "hi, my name is carrie & i'm a coffee addict." speech.  *laugh*  which makes ppl laugh a good laugh & makes me happy to have given them a little snippet of happy.  ya know?  

so.  yeah.  plus, i got a laugh out of mr c, and ya know!  

anyway, the rest of the lunch & demo was a lot of fun, lots of visiting, found out that someone else shares my enjoyment of peanut butter & pickle sandwiches, but she grills hers.  like grilled cheese.  mmmm.  i will have to try that!!!  :D  i did manage to sit in a way that caused my bad knee to flare up, tho.  that wasn't happy!  it hurt all through today, too!  grrrr.  and even tho the rest of the time was cool, i didn't stop shaking until i was 1/2 way home.

and this is why anxiety is a bitch, but she's a bitch i can sometimes be friends w/ even as she's being bitchy.


so, that's that!  *laugh*  in other news...

today was cool, but very busy & i didn't get 1/2 the things done i wanted because i spent some time on the phone w/ some ppl who had in-depth timecard scenarios to work out.  i absolutely frickin LOVE when someone has that lightbulb moment about timecards or vacations or something.  LOVE IT.  love knowing that something i said is going to help them going forward.  : )  

earlier this afternoon, i thought i was going to stop at the drive thru for some mexican, but then before i left i thought arthur's sounded good.  then, after i stopped at starbucks, osaka to go sounded yummy.  i didn't stop, tho.  then i took the bridge exit instead of heading to arthur's.  not entirely intentionally.  i drove toward home, not really knowing what i wanted for dinner.  i purposed & discarded several options.  then, i decided i'd just come home & have cereal.  however, then my car took me to panera.  LOL  happy it did, too, because the car in front of me had 3 guys wearing baseball caps (yum) (why is that always yummy??) and then the driver's arm snaked out to pay & grab his coffee & OH MY HECK was his arm tatted up & it looked DIVINE from a distance!  i seriously wanted to get out of my car & go up to ask if i could see them up close.  *swoon*  *sigh*  i didn't, tho.  there's a fine line between bold & scary... LOL  not if you're hot, but i'm not so i can't always pull that sorta thing off.  

anyway!  that's my story for the day!  oh, also, i'm reading Own the Wind by Kristen Ashley, and i am telling you - telling you - every book i read by her, i fall in love.  : )  <3  : ) 

so, how're things w/ y'all???  


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