Saturday, April 26, 2014

keeping it real - the dating edition

i know - two entries, two days in a row.  no one will know what to think!  lol

so, a couple weeks ago, a spur of the moment decision to sign up for a dating site again hit me.  i have not had the best luck w/ dating sites.  when i was in college, back in the day of truly free internet & truly free dating sites - you know, the full fledged kind of free where they didn't pick & choose what "options" you got for free - i was on a couple.  this was also before posting pictures online became the rage, and so you would just email or IM (ICQ chat, anyone?  LOL)(or ISCABBS!!!!) for a while, get to know someone, and then exchange pictures via snail mail.  at that time, i was also non-dating a couple guys IRL.  

let me just sidebar here & say non-dating is a weird concept.  it's like they're saying, "i like you a lot, i enjoy hanging out w/ you, buying you things, and being physically affectionate, but i don't actually want to have a 'relationship' with you."  at the time, i wasn't really looking for a relationship kinda relationship, either, so it was no big.  

let me just sidebar again to say i had a couple of those non-dating things going on in HS, too.  i was okay with these because nearly my entire HS career was spent crushing on AK, to the point where i was not so much open to a romantic entanglement with someone else. 

HOWEVER, these non-dating relationships were contributing to the death of my self-esteem in ways i didn't even realize at the time.  sure, i would cry over the fact that these guys spilled their guts to me on a sometimes daily basis & then dated my friends.  and yes, i realized that it hurt when i'd been talking to someone on a daily basis who suddenly stopped calling/writing after receiving a picture of me in the mail.  there were several times in HS when a wrong number turned into months of conversations, only to drop off after that picture was sent.  on the surface, i went on w/ my happy-go-lucky-social-butterfly life.  but inside, every time crushed me a little more.  

i would go out w/ friends & stand by as they were flirted with and given numbers and asked out and all of that.  guys would talk to me, we would flirt & get along & whatnot.  friends would later say they thought so & so was interested in me - after so & so had asked THEM out & they were surprised.  

the hardest - and i've somehow blocked out all of the good things about this relationship, because i was really quite devastated by our last phone call - was a man named carlos.  i know we had been talking for months before he saw a picture of me, through email, snail mail, and phone calls.  i'd been through the picture thing many times by then, but he really wanted to see me.  he promised that no matter what, he liked having me in his life & even if an actual relationship didn't work out, i wouldn't lose him as a friend.  i don't think he meant to lie.  i know he didn't because he was the one man who ended things honestly and over the phone.  he called me after receiving that letter with my picture, and he apologized for not being physically attracted to me.  he said he loved my personality and humor, etc., but he just couldn't get past not being attracted to my picture.  that phone call was hard.  we both cried.  but we didn't talk after that phone call.  

i'm not sure how long after that my non-dating friendship with jason fell apart, after he started dating one of my friends - a friend i had confessed to having feelings for jason not even a week before they started dating.  and after that, i was just done.  i was done with talking to guys online; i was done flirting with wrong numbers (and let me tell you, that shit was HARD because i loved flirting with wrong numbers!).  i stopped even noticing guys.

and that lasted for years.  i was in such a ... i don't even know what to call it, but it was to the point that i didn't recognize when a guy did actually like me.  i didn't get those cues, and because of that i lost out on a pretty great guy.  i still miss him.  i still think about him & wonder what he's up to, my brother still runs into him around on occasion.  but that ship sailed, and my one attempt at contacting him again (after he'd been in contact w/ me first) elicited a disappearing act.  this disappearing act was really beneath who i thought he was, but again, because the time when he was interested, i was completely clueless.  

*sigh*  and so, after that, i shut down again.  part of this shut down is also due to my increasing anxiety issues.  my natural state is flirtation.  i LIKE flirting - even when i know it's not going anywhere (mr c)(guy at the coffee place)(guy at the bookstore) it is just fun to have that back & forth banter.  

but lately, what with my increased romance reading, mom continuously reminding me i will soon be 40, everyone & their brother (or, my brother) getting some action... i've wanted more.  i've never wanted the one-night-stand kinda thing, but with recent events, it just seems like maybe that's what i should go for.  easy girls apparently get their men.  (don't glare at me - i have examples, but i won't pull them out here since they are other ppl's stories to tell.  and besides, as i've mentioned before, sometimes a body just wants SEX.  i feel slightly disserviced by the way i grew up & being made to think that sex was dirty & a sin.  if it had been presented a bit differently... and if what happened when i was little hadn't happened... i may have recognized things going on a little earlier.)  

but, really, i'm still not that type of girl.  much as i like to think i could go on separating sex & love, i don't really think i could.  i could have fun, sure.  i would DEFINITELY have fun, actually.  but i think doing that again at this point in my life, it would destroy what little self-esteem i've managed to scrape back together.  i KNOW i'm the shit - i just haven't found the guy who thinks that yet.  and i want to.  

and so i joined this site.  and i'm giving it a month, because if the guy i'm looking for hasn't found me on there in a month... well, to be quite honest, i would rather spend that money on coffee & books & travel than to have what is happening now continue happening while i merrily throw away $$ on it.  see, what is happening is that my profile gets viewed, one of my photos even was "liked" - but no contact has been made so far.  there have been "interests" which means someone marked "yes" on something, but i have no idea what that actually means, because none of those "interests" have resulted in any sort of contact.

and i want the pursuit.  i want the interest to be such that he sends a note, stating that interest.  i want him to make a move, to show that he is the take-charge guy i need.  friends who have thought they were encouraging me by saying - or even thinking - that i should make the first move on whomever (mr c, random guy, whatever) don't understand what i'm looking for, or what i need.  because of my personality, because of how i am - the dichotomy (there's that word again!) of the social butterfly who likes to flirt but has somewhat debilitating anxiety at random intervals - the man for me needs to make his play and he needs to make it clear.  

i'm not getting that from this dating site, and i haven't gotten that from any guy in years.  and the few times i HAVE gotten that were when i was too clueless to clue in.  

so, i have 2 more weeks or so with this site, and then it is back to ... whatever.  i don't even know if God has a husband out there for me somewhere.  mom mentioned again today that she is praying for a spouse for me.  and with all that prayer, maybe God's answer is no.  maybe i don't get to have that, for whatever reason i don't understand now but will understand later.  i don't know.  some days i feel okay with that and some days i feel so discouraged and outraged at the fact that some women (and men) get to sleep around for years & then suddenly find the love of their lives & get the whole shebang of a happy marriage, and i have done my best not to be slutty mcslutterson, and yet... i get bupkiss.  

soooo.... yeah.  that's where i'm at today.  thanks for listening, yeah?  


Friday, April 25, 2014

anxiety's a bitch

yesterday i had a total of 3 1/2 panic attacks.  well, possibly a couple more, but i'm not counting two of them because i didn't need to leave the room for them.  yesterday my boss took us on a team luncheon.  we rented out the club room of a local grocery store & had a cooking demo, then lunch.  it was a lot of fun!  but, it was also a cause of the panic attacks.

now, i know all of these ppl.  i've talked to these ppl.  some of these ppl are friends.  one of these ppl was mr. c.  *laugh*  i've even been to this club room at this store before for a cooking demo.  there was absolutely NO REASON for panic.  and still, the day before, i felt the anxiety starting.  the day of, the work portion of my day was super busy & somewhat stress-inducing, but nothing terribly out of the ordinary, and yet i found my anxiety increasing exponentially.  i had to go out for an extra break to get some air.  i had originally been planning to drive myself so i could get groceries after the luncheon, since, you know, we were IN A GROCERY STORE.  (and that grocery store has a coffee shop w/ yummy coffee, even!)  however, with the avenue my anxiety was taking, i was afraid of a full-on-i'm-not-going-in-there attack coming about, so i asked if i could hitch a ride w/ marty.  

i was okay at first.  joined the group who'd already gotten there & chatted.  then the room started to fill up w/ ppl.  again - these are all ppl i know & like.  there are no "evil dawn's" in this group.  i am very, very blessed with my colleagues, and i'm very grateful for not only them but my boss.  she is a DREAM.  and yet, as the room filled up, my anxiety level spiked, i felt like i was going to pass out.  and then they announced we had to get into *gasp* groups to do part of the demo.  i latched on to a friend, which was cool, but then she wanted to station right up front.  agh!  i followed, i hovered, i laughed & chatted, all the while feeling that feeling that said i was going to pass out if i didn't leave soon.  i left.  i went out to the hallway before the shakes got too bad, and took deep, calming breaths for a few minutes.  

i came back in & was good for a few more minutes.  then i went back out & locked myself in the bathroom for a bit, put my hair up into a messy pony tail, and again calmed myself down enough to go back into the room.  at this point, most of the groups were done putting together their demos.  i sorta abandoned my group to do my anxiety-fueled social butterfly thing.

what's that?  you're confused by how i can be panicky and social butterfly-y?  

yeah.  join the club.  i have no idea how that works, but flitting from group to group chatting was helping & keeping my mind off of the room being filled w/ ppl, mostly.  and then i chatted w/ my boss for a bit & she is so, so, soooo super nice, i can't even explain.  blessed.  that is all i can say.  blessssed.  

then it was time to eat & the food was really tasty!  mushroom spinach soup, baked cod w/ some relish thing over it, roasted potatoes, and a yogurt granola thing for dessert.  very yummy, all of it!  i ate all the fish, but the other food i sorta picked at, not because i didn't like it, but because i tend to be a nibbler in situations like this.  *shrug*  

i was better once seated, and the fact that i was at a fantastic angle for a very handsome view actually helped my anxiety.  see - mr c doesn't make me nervous.  i mean, he does, sometimes, but for the most part i just enjoy him.  his smile could ... well, i won't wax poetic on the charms of mr c.  suffice it to say, i'm glad he's a nice guy, and he makes me laugh, and i'm glad to know him even the little bit that i do.

boss lady asked how i was doing & i honestly told her i was doing better, much cooled off, too, and then BAM she decides to have us all go around the room to introduce ourselves a bit.  oh. my. heck.  SERIOUSLY?!  i was doing so well there for a moment!  

but - here's the other thing - when i'm on the spot like that, my anxiety spikes, but my ... i don't know what to call it, my humor?  my funny bone?  my over-the-top-ed-ness?? ... comes out & i have the big smile & the vocal projection & the, "hi, my name is carrie & i'm a coffee addict." speech.  *laugh*  which makes ppl laugh a good laugh & makes me happy to have given them a little snippet of happy.  ya know?  

so.  yeah.  plus, i got a laugh out of mr c, and ya know!  

anyway, the rest of the lunch & demo was a lot of fun, lots of visiting, found out that someone else shares my enjoyment of peanut butter & pickle sandwiches, but she grills hers.  like grilled cheese.  mmmm.  i will have to try that!!!  :D  i did manage to sit in a way that caused my bad knee to flare up, tho.  that wasn't happy!  it hurt all through today, too!  grrrr.  and even tho the rest of the time was cool, i didn't stop shaking until i was 1/2 way home.

and this is why anxiety is a bitch, but she's a bitch i can sometimes be friends w/ even as she's being bitchy.


so, that's that!  *laugh*  in other news...

today was cool, but very busy & i didn't get 1/2 the things done i wanted because i spent some time on the phone w/ some ppl who had in-depth timecard scenarios to work out.  i absolutely frickin LOVE when someone has that lightbulb moment about timecards or vacations or something.  LOVE IT.  love knowing that something i said is going to help them going forward.  : )  

earlier this afternoon, i thought i was going to stop at the drive thru for some mexican, but then before i left i thought arthur's sounded good.  then, after i stopped at starbucks, osaka to go sounded yummy.  i didn't stop, tho.  then i took the bridge exit instead of heading to arthur's.  not entirely intentionally.  i drove toward home, not really knowing what i wanted for dinner.  i purposed & discarded several options.  then, i decided i'd just come home & have cereal.  however, then my car took me to panera.  LOL  happy it did, too, because the car in front of me had 3 guys wearing baseball caps (yum) (why is that always yummy??) and then the driver's arm snaked out to pay & grab his coffee & OH MY HECK was his arm tatted up & it looked DIVINE from a distance!  i seriously wanted to get out of my car & go up to ask if i could see them up close.  *swoon*  *sigh*  i didn't, tho.  there's a fine line between bold & scary... LOL  not if you're hot, but i'm not so i can't always pull that sorta thing off.  

anyway!  that's my story for the day!  oh, also, i'm reading Own the Wind by Kristen Ashley, and i am telling you - telling you - every book i read by her, i fall in love.  : )  <3  : ) 

so, how're things w/ y'all???  


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

might be spring, might not!

it's hard to tell, sometimes, what season it is!  in the past week, it's been really nice, spring weather; warm, summer weather (to the point that i had my air on for an afternoon); and then back to SNOW and frost on my windows!  yup, welcome to the midwest.  LOL

last weekend, i got to hang out w/ leyton on saturday.  love love!  we had mexican for lunch (well, i did - leyton had a cheeseburger at the restaurant!  LOL) & then as we were heading home, i decided to stop in & get some popcorn.


then we hung out at phil's/gramma's for a few hours.  leyton played some hockey & i read some Consumed.  (that & Too Consumed - VERY GOOD READS!! looking forward to the 3rd book.  not sure when it comes out... must find out!)

last week i got some books... this week i should have deliveries coming every couple days, i think.  idk, it's hard to keep track - i forgot that i'd put in an order & put in another order & then the 2nd order got broken up in to a few different orders because some of the books were already out & some were pre-orders & then i also have pre-orders hitting from other batches... *laugh*  yeah, i need to curtail my book spending for a bit!!  except that then i've been one-clicking the 99 cent kindle books, too!  

yes - it's a bit ironic that i now have gotten to actually LIKE reading on my phone/the computer.  i still prefer my PB's & the majority of my book purchasing is PB... but there are some stories that i'm okay having digitally rather than a hard copy, and also there have been a few boxed sets - who can resist several books for 99 cents?!  apparently the answer is "not i."  *laugh*

this weekend was nice - reading, duh.  and saturday i got to hang out w/ bret for a while before he moves on to his next adventure.  i picked him up & we had mexican for lunch & i actually ate my food & didn't have to worry about forgetting a box at the table.  (btw, that happened AGAIN at my lunch w/ leyton.  boxed up my leftovers & left them at the table.  yeesh!)

sunday i hung out w/ trish.  we went to steeplegate for brunch (eggs & bacon & shrimp & hash & YUMMY!) & picked up coffee drinks & then had a marathon session catching up w/ Once Upon A Time & Revenge before the new eps that night!  woot woot!!!  i love hanging out w/ trish, she is good ppl.  for dinner, we went to ganzo's (more mexican, i think i can eat it every day!) & ended up seeing her niece & nephew & a friend & then al joined us & it was like a party.  LOL  her niece's friend/bf & nephew both have some awesome tats, & some i kinda questions "why?!" - like the eyes tatted on the back of her bf's head.  if i ever happen across him again, i am going to want the story to those.  there HAS to be a story there, right?!

today was a pretty good day.  read Tattoo (another TIO by Cambria Hebert - love these - they are so quick & easy & SWEET!) & now am starting Alejandro's Sorceress by Alyssa Day (part of one of those 99 cent boxed sets...).  : )  

and there was the IM chat w/ mr crushtastic!  :D  he's just fun!  

the bad part of today - my poor chloe, she has been sounding like an airplane for a couple weeks & so i made an appointment for the car doc tomorrow.  gotta drop her off at the mechanic's & then marty's picking me up for work.  it's going to make for a long day - they don't open til 7 & marty doesn't go in til 7:30, so i'm going to be off an hour all day!  ah well, hopefully it just will be a 1-day fix & won't cost me a kidney!!  eep.  

what else?  idk, i think that's about it for today.  
what've y'all been up to the past month?