the funny thing about anxiety/panic attacks is that they can be debilitating or freeing. it's strange to think of them as freeing - but if you know anything about me, you know that i am composed almost entirely of dichotomies. there are times that i can't go to the gas station or WM to pick up a prescription because the anxiety is too much for me to handle. there is the almost desperate need to chatter incessantly about inane things while waiting for a to go order at the sandwich shop. when i don't give in to that urge to chatter, when i just stand there quietly waiting for my order, if it takes more than about 2 minutes, i start to panic. i start to get the feeling that something is going to happen, something awful. idk why.
so i chatter. sometimes i feel horribly embarrassed by whatever comes out of my mouth, depending on reactions. (sometimes being empathic is seriously nerve wracking!) but the pressure eases and i get kind of a "high" from letting all that pent-up anxiety OUT OUT OUT. my reactions afterward are sometimes quite violent, but at the time i feel better.
today was a very high anxiety day. a co-worker & i put together a thank you/networking event for one of our Directors, and it was today at HQ. BEAUTIFUL location, lemme tell ya! i love going there! my partner in crime unfortunately had a family emergency & wasn't able to be there today, which means i was on my own. she & i had made up some ice breaker questions & i had printed them off to use as a raffle. i got to the venue early & placed the questionnaires & pens & name tags (which she was supposed to bring, and i thankfully realized she wouldn't be bringing them before i left & was able to find some!) on the tables scattered throughout. i got there about 15 minutes early to get things situated & make sure the food & such was set up.
then ppl started to arrive & our Director wasn't there yet & ppl were asking me questions about, "okay, what's the plan?" and i felt like the hostess of the party. i went from group to group, answering questions & making sure they had food & drink & wondering when our Director would arrive & setting up the raffle prizes that my co-worker had sent w/ another co-worker. (she picked REALLY GREAT prizes; kudos to her!!) i was super anxious, but that anxiety gave me a kind of freedom, too. as i went from group to group, i realized that i was enjoying myself, that no one was treating me strangely, that everyone - who knows of my anxiety issues because i'm not really quiet about them, because what is the point of hiding them?!?! - was extremely kind. and so i could be my zany yet professional self, could visit w/ ppl i don't get to see very much, and (eventually) snack on some delicious food! : ) and ppl kept offering to help w/ things, and i definitely let them and ABSOLUTELY appreciated each & every one of them!!
and then it came to be time for the drawing, and i don't know why i didn't see this one coming, but i ended up AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM w/ the Director, holding the entries while she picked out the ones to read. did i mention i was IN FRONT OF ABOUT 60 ppl?!?! i was bright red the whole time, i'm sure. and yet, even as i knew i was bright red, and i knew i wanted to just melt into the floor & disappear, i also was still having fun. i didn't drop the box of entries. i joked around w/ the Director & w/ the ppl whose names were called. and i didn't pass out!!
so, i call that winning. : ) GOD IS GOOD! God is AWESOME and AMAZING and makes me feel loved. : )
i also don't know why i didn't see this one coming - i get to do this all again & now set something up for june/july. OUTSIDE. oh my heck, oh my heck!
okay, i'm back. *laugh* anyway! i love my job, and my co-workers, and my bosses, and my Directors. seriously - blessed and thankful!!!
i treated myself to hungry hobo chocolate pudding for dinner. (i had a roast beast sandwich as well.)
must go to bed - have been reading some good books lately - Tipsy(LOVE), Push the Envelope(alpha, alpha male, definite reread, ADORE), My Savior Forever (starts out creepy & very sad, but is mostly super sweet!), His Muse (super cute!), Megan's Mark, & next will be Jake Undone. and i feel a reread of something coming on, but i'm not sure what. it feels like i want to reread Until November & Until Trevor AGAIN, but i JUST READ THEM so i'm trying to stave it off at least until Until Lilly is on the way... we'll see how long i can hold out. *shiny object*
where was i? lost in book bliss! *laugh* speaking of book bliss, juli postponed our lunch on saturday, so after leyton's game i think i should be able to VEG OUT all weekend. woot! and also, next weekend - boscobel, WI, baby! *laugh* hopefully, anyway. weather is supposed to be nice, i think? i wanna meet lindy zart! : )
but for now, sleep beckons. even tho today felt like friday w/ the party & all, tomorrow is still friday & i'm praying that my headache continues to stay away now that the stress of the party is over. *laugh* so, i might START Jake Undone & then go to bed... ; )