Thursday, February 13, 2014

hostess with the mostess (anxiety)

the funny thing about anxiety/panic attacks is that they can be debilitating or freeing.  it's strange to think of them as freeing - but if you know anything about me, you know that i am composed almost entirely of dichotomies.  there are times that i can't go to the gas station or WM to pick up a prescription because the anxiety is too much for me to handle.  there is the almost desperate need to chatter incessantly about inane things while waiting for a to go order at the sandwich shop.  when i don't give in to that urge to chatter, when i just stand there quietly waiting for my order, if it takes more than about 2 minutes, i start to panic.  i start to get the feeling that something is going to happen, something awful.  idk why.  

so i chatter.  sometimes i feel horribly embarrassed by whatever comes out of my mouth, depending on reactions.  (sometimes being empathic is seriously nerve wracking!)  but the pressure eases and i get kind of a "high" from letting all that pent-up anxiety OUT OUT OUT.  my reactions afterward are sometimes quite violent, but at the time i feel better.

today was a very high anxiety day.  a co-worker & i put together a thank you/networking event for one of our Directors, and it was today at HQ.  BEAUTIFUL location, lemme tell ya!  i love going there!  my partner in crime unfortunately had a family emergency & wasn't able to be there today, which means i was on my own.  she & i had made up some ice breaker questions & i had printed them off to use as a raffle.  i got to the venue early & placed the questionnaires & pens & name tags (which she was supposed to bring, and i thankfully realized she wouldn't be bringing them before i left & was able to find some!) on the tables scattered throughout.  i got there about 15 minutes early to get things situated & make sure the food & such was set up.  

then ppl started to arrive & our Director wasn't there yet & ppl were asking me questions about, "okay, what's the plan?" and i felt like the hostess of the party.  i went from group to group, answering questions & making sure they had food & drink & wondering when our Director would arrive & setting up the raffle prizes that my co-worker had sent w/ another co-worker.  (she picked REALLY GREAT prizes; kudos to her!!)  i was super anxious, but that anxiety gave me a kind of freedom, too.  as i went from group to group, i realized that i was enjoying myself, that no one was treating me strangely, that everyone - who knows of my anxiety issues because i'm not really quiet about them, because what is the point of hiding them?!?! - was extremely kind.  and so i could be my zany yet professional self, could visit w/ ppl i don't get to see very much, and (eventually) snack on some delicious food!  : )  and ppl kept offering to help w/ things, and i definitely let them and ABSOLUTELY appreciated each & every one of them!!  

and then it came to be time for the drawing, and i don't know why i didn't see this one coming, but i ended up AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM w/ the Director, holding the entries while she picked out the ones to read.  did i mention i was IN FRONT OF ABOUT 60 ppl?!?!  i was bright red the whole time, i'm sure.  and yet, even as i knew i was bright red, and i knew i wanted to just melt into the floor & disappear, i also was still having fun.  i didn't drop the box of entries.  i joked around w/ the Director & w/ the ppl whose names were called.  and i didn't pass out!!

so, i call that winning.  : )  GOD IS GOOD!  God is AWESOME and AMAZING and makes me feel loved.  : ) 

i also don't know why i didn't see this one coming - i get to do this all again & now set something up for june/july.  OUTSIDE.  oh my heck, oh my heck!  


okay, i'm back.  *laugh*  anyway!  i love my job, and my co-workers, and my bosses, and my Directors.  seriously - blessed and thankful!!!

i treated myself to hungry hobo chocolate pudding for dinner.  (i had a roast beast sandwich as well.)

: )  

must go to bed - have been reading some good books lately - Tipsy(LOVE), Push the Envelope(alpha, alpha male, definite reread, ADORE), My Savior Forever (starts out creepy & very sad, but is mostly super sweet!), His Muse (super cute!), Megan's Mark, & next will be Jake Undone.  and i feel a reread of something coming on, but i'm not sure what.  it feels like i want to reread Until November & Until Trevor AGAIN, but i JUST READ THEM so i'm trying to stave it off at least until Until Lilly is on the way... we'll see how long i can hold out.  *shiny object*  

where was i?  lost in book bliss!  *laugh*  speaking of book bliss, juli postponed our lunch on saturday, so after leyton's game i think i should be able to VEG OUT all weekend.  woot!  and also, next weekend - boscobel, WI, baby!  *laugh*  hopefully, anyway.  weather is supposed to be nice, i think?  i wanna meet lindy zart!  : )  

but for now, sleep beckons.  even tho today felt like friday w/ the party & all, tomorrow is still friday & i'm praying that my headache continues to stay away now that the stress of the party is over.  *laugh*  so, i might START Jake Undone & then go to bed... ; )  


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