Monday, February 10, 2014

bloom where you're planted

i received an email today from a friend i'd not heard from in years.  we were fairly inseparable at one time, and then all of a sudden, *poof*  incommunicado.  it was like she disappeared off the face of the earth - not returning emails or texts or phone call messages.  we didn't have a fight.  we didn't slowly fade out.  just one day we talked on the phone about her graduating college soon & that was the last i heard from her. (at one point i was checking obituaries, because i was worried something bad had happened.  i was always relieved not to see her name yielding those types of results.)

until today.

today, while i was working on vacations, an email popped up w/ her name.  at first i thought it was a prank.  you know how that little box preview thingy pops up on your screen?  the first line said, "If you choose not to respond, I'll understand."  i was like, "why am i getting spam on my work account?!"  and then i opened up the note in secure mode & it wasn't spam.  

i'd been in a grumpy mood this morning, for no apparent reason.  i had so much to do & someone scheduled a meeting that i didn't want to go to (turns out it was mistakenly set for today & isn't until wednesday & that is much better!) & i keep seeing these bloody valentine's day things that just piss me the hell heck off.  i'm trying to work on my swearing.  it's sort of gotten out of control.  (not really.)  (meaning, i am not really working on it - i don't swear that much & when i do it's because i want to, damn it!  LOL)

erm.  where was i?  oh yeah, i was feeling grumpy.  and then i got this email.  and i didn't know what to think.  there was an apology for not being good w/ keeping in touch, but no explanation as to what happened to cause it.  did i need an explanation?  i've always been curious as to what could cause someone to just cut off communication w/ me - it's happened off & on over the years, altho usually not w/ ppl i actually KNOW, but w/ pen pals & phone pals.  and most of those were male, who perhaps because of my sparkling personality and wit thought that i was more physically attractive than the reality, and once confronted w/ the reality that is me decided my sparkling personality & wit were not worth it.  so, whatever.  but this was someone i considered a best friend.  someone i hung out w/ on a daily basis for years.  someone who helped me through my dad's passing away.  did i need an explanation?

as it turns out, i really don't.  it doesn't matter to me, really, what happened, other than for curiosity's sake.  for whatever reason, this friend thought of me today, and needed to talk to me.  we emailed a bit & then she called me this evening & we talked for about 3 hours about the things that have been going on w/ her recently, and she needed my ear & my wisdom.

let me be clear - MY wisdom and knowledge are not truly mine.  they are God's.  i pray every day for the Lord to continue to grant me the Gifts of knowledge & wisdom, so that i can help ppl and be a blessing.  (that sounds so stuck up when i say it out loud, or out in type, but that is what i want to be - a blessing.)  i generally mean this prayer for at work, because i deal w/ so many different areas & have to keep track of so many policies & whatnot, i want to make sure i'm actually HELPING ppl & not giving them the wrong information.  

but today i prayed that for this friend.  i prayed to be the friend she needs me to be, to help her with whatever prompted her to contact me today, after all this time.  i feel good about the things i shared with her, and hope that i was able to be of some help.  

is this the beginning of a restoration of our friendship?  i truly don't know.  time will tell, i suppose.

our conversation definitely reiterated some things i've felt recently w/ other situations, about blooming where we're planted.  i've always been the friend, the ear, the "doc" that ppl talk to.  there are times when i meet a friend for dinner, and spend the entire time listening, saying very little unless it is a thought on their situation.  i don't spend these times waiting for an opportunity to speak, or thinking about what's going on w/ me that i need to share.  that always seems to hit me after i'm alone in my car or at home.  

do you know there are days i go w/o speaking for long periods of time?  sometimes i'll realize the silence and wonder... do i like the silence because i'm used to it, or because i really like it?  

and then there is the other side - because i am a living dichotomy, in everything apparently.  there are times when i feel very chatty!  really, tho, unless it's about a book, my chatty self takes a back seat.  i think i DO really like the silence.  i DO like to hear others' stories more than telling my own, for the most part.  if i have something to say, i will certainly say it, but mostly i just like to listen.  

and i think that's where the blooming comes in.  when i am feeling down about the lack of my very own special someone to do naughty, naughty things with (or, you know, cuddle, talk about things, cook dinner together, go to a movie with, etc., etc...), i need to remind myself that i'm here for something else.  i need to accept that i've been given the ability to see things from many different angles, to weigh the pros & cons of things for others.  my own wants don't matter in this case.  they'll come about in time, or they won't.  and most of the time i'm okay with that.

rambling rambling, and i sort of lost my train of thought.  

anyway, bloom where you're planted.  accept the happy things for the moment of happiness they bring - like seeing mr crushtastic at the door and singing out, "mr crushtaaaaastic (except his actual name LOL), you're going to hold the door for me, aren't you?" and him saying yes (of course, because he is a super polite man) and being able to share smiles and look into his beautiful eyes for a moment.  there is no more than that - he doesn't pine for me the way i pine for him (read that in an overly dramatic voice and chuckle).  he isn't going to all of a sudden decide from our brief, random encounters that he just HAS to talk to me.  (believe me, i have wished for that for nearly 2 years - it hasn't happened.)  

if all i ever am is someone to make others smile, than that's what i'll be.  i'll take my own smiles as i get them.


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