Wednesday, February 26, 2014

catch me if you can

there's been lots going on, but not a lot of motivation to type it all out.
last week was super nice, in that i was crazy busy at work AND i got to chat w/ my work crush A LOT AND i even got to see him more than once, which is almost unheard of since sometimes i go a month w/o a glimpse.  LOL  
he makes me giddy w/o even trying.

speaking of swooning, i've been reading some great things (my first Kristen Ashley, Law Man, loved it!! will be reading more of her; my first Jaci Burton; and remembering why i like Susan Mallery) and re-reading some favorites (With Me in Seattle series by Kristen Proby; Until series by Aurora Rose Reynolds - i seriously could read these 100x!).  i have a whole mass of books coming in the next couple weeks that i'm super excited about.  will let ya know when they get here!
and today i was supposed to go to the book store & then grocery shopping.  
well... i made it to the book store!

after that i had some other stuff to do & then i was able to just curl up w/ Rock With Me & text w/ bug a bit - i'm sending her my original copy of Until November because i think she'll really like it & i have my signed copy now, so i can share the love!  :)  

a little before 8, jen texted me to see if i could pick anthony up from driver's ed, so i headed down to the HS to get him.  it was nice to see him!  i've missed him.  there's a concert on march 9th that i'd like to take him to, but he's been sick & also the main band (skillet!  woot!) doesn't even take the stage til 9:30 or 10 & i just don't think i want to deal w/ work the next morning after being at an admittedly awesome concert til midnight.  *laugh*  so, hopefully there will be some others coming in the next few months...

there's been some negativity, too, but i'm really trying to steer clear of it.  it's hard to balance being there for a friend & not wanting to talk to them because it's all just so NEGATIVE.  i got shit goin on too, ya know, but if i was negative about all of it - instead of focusing on the positive - i would be miserable all the time.  i have down days, but the good days get me through those, ya know?  
anyway, so i'm trying to work through that & find some balance.

other things that went on, good and bad:

so, i came home to this one day last week.
yeah.  i had to walk through that crap to get to my door.
then i had to change my pants, socks & shoes before shoveling it out so i could park.
good times.  *sarcasm font engaged*  
on the PLUS side, all the snow gave mr c & i a whole day & a half of conversation, so that would be the silver lining there.  *laugh* 

saturday after leyton's basketball game, mom, phil & i went to osaka for some buffet time.
this was my fortune.
it is particularly funny because phil was giving me a hard time about something, to which i replied, "hey, i practically memorized the dictionary in 7th grade!"  and then THIS was my cookie note.

oh, oh, oh!  also!
yesterday was super awesome because i got my tax return (yay!), i was in a sing-y mood ALL DAY, mr c held the door for me, i had a really FUN email conversation w/ some dude who made me laugh - out loud, a lot - AND i got to hang out w/ trish for dinner.  :)  
i did forget my leftovers at the restaurant, but that's okay.
i enjoyed the company & the chips & salsa & cheese dip!  

and i will leave you tonight with this excerpt from one of my new favorite books, Tipsy by Cambria Hebert:

THIS is how i feel.
i want to be pursued.
i want the guy to want to talk to me as much as i want to talk to him, and i want him to show it.
i want the guy to call me.
text me.
IM me.
whatever, make that move.

have a great night/day & hopefully the snow they're predicting will STAY THE EFF AWAY!
i'm so sick of snow!!!  
ready for spring.
the snow-lovers (trish! mercedes!) have had their time.  it's my time now & i'm tired of SNOW being all over the dang place.  ; ) 


Monday, February 17, 2014

some stuff

i'm starting off w/ happy things, putting the GRR in the middle, and ending w/ happy things.

so, to start, a couple of photos of my leytonbug on superbowl sunday.  for some reason, my phone to file uploads, which used to be so spot on, have been hit or miss lately.  that's not a happy thing!  i'll share 'em when i can, tho.  at least i can usually upload them through instagram & FB!  : )  

i posted today's GRR on those sites, since it won't let me here.  
it is so pretty, when you're sitting at home or a nice cabin somewhere, snuggled up w/ your book & your coffee.  and your honey, if you have a honey.  ; )  but when you're somewhere that doesn't plow, or that plows piles & piles in your driveway, and there's no one to shovel while you're at work, and you come home to THAT... it is no longer pretty, it is no longer enjoyable.  i miss the days when i could see a giant landscape of snow & think, "YES!  let's jump into that!"  alas, those days are gone as the reality of the cold, heavy, IRRITATING stuff pushes its way in.  

now back to the happy.
: ) 
my work day did go well - got to IM w/ mr c a bit more, which was nice.  he's no longer a fan of snow, either.  *laugh*  
because i didn't do it over the weekend - and had i realized we were going to have snowpocalypse, i would have made sure to do it over the weekend - i had to stop for groceries & gas after work.  thankfully, the streets in iowa were plowed & clear.  i found a Kristen Ashley book, so i'll be giving her a try after i finish Taking A Shot by Jaci Burton.  

yesterday i read about 4 books, and one of them was an ARC i was kindly gifted by Tess Oliver - her upcoming release, Dray.  this is book 3 in her Custom Culture series (Freefall & Clutch are books 1 & 2).  i absolutely LOVE her writing, even when her stories have one of my pet peeves (when the H/h aren't in a lot of scenes together).  her books are always rereadable!  :)  

and she also has some HOT covers!  *grin*

what else of the happy did i want to share?
idk, i can't really remember now.
oh well.  i'm off to read!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

hostess with the mostess (anxiety)

the funny thing about anxiety/panic attacks is that they can be debilitating or freeing.  it's strange to think of them as freeing - but if you know anything about me, you know that i am composed almost entirely of dichotomies.  there are times that i can't go to the gas station or WM to pick up a prescription because the anxiety is too much for me to handle.  there is the almost desperate need to chatter incessantly about inane things while waiting for a to go order at the sandwich shop.  when i don't give in to that urge to chatter, when i just stand there quietly waiting for my order, if it takes more than about 2 minutes, i start to panic.  i start to get the feeling that something is going to happen, something awful.  idk why.  

so i chatter.  sometimes i feel horribly embarrassed by whatever comes out of my mouth, depending on reactions.  (sometimes being empathic is seriously nerve wracking!)  but the pressure eases and i get kind of a "high" from letting all that pent-up anxiety OUT OUT OUT.  my reactions afterward are sometimes quite violent, but at the time i feel better.

today was a very high anxiety day.  a co-worker & i put together a thank you/networking event for one of our Directors, and it was today at HQ.  BEAUTIFUL location, lemme tell ya!  i love going there!  my partner in crime unfortunately had a family emergency & wasn't able to be there today, which means i was on my own.  she & i had made up some ice breaker questions & i had printed them off to use as a raffle.  i got to the venue early & placed the questionnaires & pens & name tags (which she was supposed to bring, and i thankfully realized she wouldn't be bringing them before i left & was able to find some!) on the tables scattered throughout.  i got there about 15 minutes early to get things situated & make sure the food & such was set up.  

then ppl started to arrive & our Director wasn't there yet & ppl were asking me questions about, "okay, what's the plan?" and i felt like the hostess of the party.  i went from group to group, answering questions & making sure they had food & drink & wondering when our Director would arrive & setting up the raffle prizes that my co-worker had sent w/ another co-worker.  (she picked REALLY GREAT prizes; kudos to her!!)  i was super anxious, but that anxiety gave me a kind of freedom, too.  as i went from group to group, i realized that i was enjoying myself, that no one was treating me strangely, that everyone - who knows of my anxiety issues because i'm not really quiet about them, because what is the point of hiding them?!?! - was extremely kind.  and so i could be my zany yet professional self, could visit w/ ppl i don't get to see very much, and (eventually) snack on some delicious food!  : )  and ppl kept offering to help w/ things, and i definitely let them and ABSOLUTELY appreciated each & every one of them!!  

and then it came to be time for the drawing, and i don't know why i didn't see this one coming, but i ended up AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM w/ the Director, holding the entries while she picked out the ones to read.  did i mention i was IN FRONT OF ABOUT 60 ppl?!?!  i was bright red the whole time, i'm sure.  and yet, even as i knew i was bright red, and i knew i wanted to just melt into the floor & disappear, i also was still having fun.  i didn't drop the box of entries.  i joked around w/ the Director & w/ the ppl whose names were called.  and i didn't pass out!!

so, i call that winning.  : )  GOD IS GOOD!  God is AWESOME and AMAZING and makes me feel loved.  : ) 

i also don't know why i didn't see this one coming - i get to do this all again & now set something up for june/july.  OUTSIDE.  oh my heck, oh my heck!  


okay, i'm back.  *laugh*  anyway!  i love my job, and my co-workers, and my bosses, and my Directors.  seriously - blessed and thankful!!!

i treated myself to hungry hobo chocolate pudding for dinner.  (i had a roast beast sandwich as well.)

: )  

must go to bed - have been reading some good books lately - Tipsy(LOVE), Push the Envelope(alpha, alpha male, definite reread, ADORE), My Savior Forever (starts out creepy & very sad, but is mostly super sweet!), His Muse (super cute!), Megan's Mark, & next will be Jake Undone.  and i feel a reread of something coming on, but i'm not sure what.  it feels like i want to reread Until November & Until Trevor AGAIN, but i JUST READ THEM so i'm trying to stave it off at least until Until Lilly is on the way... we'll see how long i can hold out.  *shiny object*  

where was i?  lost in book bliss!  *laugh*  speaking of book bliss, juli postponed our lunch on saturday, so after leyton's game i think i should be able to VEG OUT all weekend.  woot!  and also, next weekend - boscobel, WI, baby!  *laugh*  hopefully, anyway.  weather is supposed to be nice, i think?  i wanna meet lindy zart!  : )  

but for now, sleep beckons.  even tho today felt like friday w/ the party & all, tomorrow is still friday & i'm praying that my headache continues to stay away now that the stress of the party is over.  *laugh*  so, i might START Jake Undone & then go to bed... ; )  


Monday, February 10, 2014

bloom where you're planted

i received an email today from a friend i'd not heard from in years.  we were fairly inseparable at one time, and then all of a sudden, *poof*  incommunicado.  it was like she disappeared off the face of the earth - not returning emails or texts or phone call messages.  we didn't have a fight.  we didn't slowly fade out.  just one day we talked on the phone about her graduating college soon & that was the last i heard from her. (at one point i was checking obituaries, because i was worried something bad had happened.  i was always relieved not to see her name yielding those types of results.)

until today.

today, while i was working on vacations, an email popped up w/ her name.  at first i thought it was a prank.  you know how that little box preview thingy pops up on your screen?  the first line said, "If you choose not to respond, I'll understand."  i was like, "why am i getting spam on my work account?!"  and then i opened up the note in secure mode & it wasn't spam.  

i'd been in a grumpy mood this morning, for no apparent reason.  i had so much to do & someone scheduled a meeting that i didn't want to go to (turns out it was mistakenly set for today & isn't until wednesday & that is much better!) & i keep seeing these bloody valentine's day things that just piss me the hell heck off.  i'm trying to work on my swearing.  it's sort of gotten out of control.  (not really.)  (meaning, i am not really working on it - i don't swear that much & when i do it's because i want to, damn it!  LOL)

erm.  where was i?  oh yeah, i was feeling grumpy.  and then i got this email.  and i didn't know what to think.  there was an apology for not being good w/ keeping in touch, but no explanation as to what happened to cause it.  did i need an explanation?  i've always been curious as to what could cause someone to just cut off communication w/ me - it's happened off & on over the years, altho usually not w/ ppl i actually KNOW, but w/ pen pals & phone pals.  and most of those were male, who perhaps because of my sparkling personality and wit thought that i was more physically attractive than the reality, and once confronted w/ the reality that is me decided my sparkling personality & wit were not worth it.  so, whatever.  but this was someone i considered a best friend.  someone i hung out w/ on a daily basis for years.  someone who helped me through my dad's passing away.  did i need an explanation?

as it turns out, i really don't.  it doesn't matter to me, really, what happened, other than for curiosity's sake.  for whatever reason, this friend thought of me today, and needed to talk to me.  we emailed a bit & then she called me this evening & we talked for about 3 hours about the things that have been going on w/ her recently, and she needed my ear & my wisdom.

let me be clear - MY wisdom and knowledge are not truly mine.  they are God's.  i pray every day for the Lord to continue to grant me the Gifts of knowledge & wisdom, so that i can help ppl and be a blessing.  (that sounds so stuck up when i say it out loud, or out in type, but that is what i want to be - a blessing.)  i generally mean this prayer for at work, because i deal w/ so many different areas & have to keep track of so many policies & whatnot, i want to make sure i'm actually HELPING ppl & not giving them the wrong information.  

but today i prayed that for this friend.  i prayed to be the friend she needs me to be, to help her with whatever prompted her to contact me today, after all this time.  i feel good about the things i shared with her, and hope that i was able to be of some help.  

is this the beginning of a restoration of our friendship?  i truly don't know.  time will tell, i suppose.

our conversation definitely reiterated some things i've felt recently w/ other situations, about blooming where we're planted.  i've always been the friend, the ear, the "doc" that ppl talk to.  there are times when i meet a friend for dinner, and spend the entire time listening, saying very little unless it is a thought on their situation.  i don't spend these times waiting for an opportunity to speak, or thinking about what's going on w/ me that i need to share.  that always seems to hit me after i'm alone in my car or at home.  

do you know there are days i go w/o speaking for long periods of time?  sometimes i'll realize the silence and wonder... do i like the silence because i'm used to it, or because i really like it?  

and then there is the other side - because i am a living dichotomy, in everything apparently.  there are times when i feel very chatty!  really, tho, unless it's about a book, my chatty self takes a back seat.  i think i DO really like the silence.  i DO like to hear others' stories more than telling my own, for the most part.  if i have something to say, i will certainly say it, but mostly i just like to listen.  

and i think that's where the blooming comes in.  when i am feeling down about the lack of my very own special someone to do naughty, naughty things with (or, you know, cuddle, talk about things, cook dinner together, go to a movie with, etc., etc...), i need to remind myself that i'm here for something else.  i need to accept that i've been given the ability to see things from many different angles, to weigh the pros & cons of things for others.  my own wants don't matter in this case.  they'll come about in time, or they won't.  and most of the time i'm okay with that.

rambling rambling, and i sort of lost my train of thought.  

anyway, bloom where you're planted.  accept the happy things for the moment of happiness they bring - like seeing mr crushtastic at the door and singing out, "mr crushtaaaaastic (except his actual name LOL), you're going to hold the door for me, aren't you?" and him saying yes (of course, because he is a super polite man) and being able to share smiles and look into his beautiful eyes for a moment.  there is no more than that - he doesn't pine for me the way i pine for him (read that in an overly dramatic voice and chuckle).  he isn't going to all of a sudden decide from our brief, random encounters that he just HAS to talk to me.  (believe me, i have wished for that for nearly 2 years - it hasn't happened.)  

if all i ever am is someone to make others smile, than that's what i'll be.  i'll take my own smiles as i get them.


Saturday, February 8, 2014

special delivery

my amazon order of books arrived today.
every delivery of books is special!  : )  
i finished a reread of Sleeping With the Entity by Cat Devon & am going to start Tipsy by Cambria Hebert soon.  i loved her Text, so am hoping i will love this one, too.  she has a new one out soon, Tricks, which i have no idea what it's about & yet the teasers she's posted on FB have made me want to read it!  :D  

i'd planned to meet juli & her fam for lunch today, but that didn't quite work out, so i rescheduled to next saturday.  today, we had MORE SNOW (shocking) so i didn't really want to drive anywhere.
mom picked me up for leyton's basketball game.  little kids playing basketball are just TOO CUTE!  most of the parents realize these are 5 & 6 year olds, but some of them... they're not mean or anything, but they are just very LOUD and "backseat coaching."  phil & i were laughing a lot at one such mom.  or, rather, at her backseat coaching, not at HER, you understand?  we weren't being mean about it.  it was just funny because she would yell at her kid to do this or that & her kid would just sorta look up at her & then do whatever the kid wanted anyway.  *laugh*  at first the kid was trying, but then got tired of it.  heh.

after the game, mom, phil, leyton & i went to osaka for lunch.  i'd wanted mexican, but phil really wanted osaka, so i said okay.  i DO enjoy their buffet!  but i am now still craving enchiladas & tacos!  and chips & salsa!  grrr.  ah well.  it was fun!  : )  after lunch, phil & leyton went home to play hockey & stuff on the xbox, while mom & i went to sam's.  i tried to stop her, but she ended up spending about $100 more than she planned.  all stuff she felt good about (stocking up on TP & paper towels, for example), so i wasn't REALLY trying to stop her.  sort of.  LOL  

then we stopped at the starbucks & she dropped me home, where my boxes of books were waiting for me!  *bounce*  

i'm a little nervous about that kristen ashley.  i don't believe i've read any of her books before, but she is a powerhouse for so many ppl... we'll see when it jumps out at me to read.  :)  

the past week, there were several times i wanted to write about random things going on.  i would think about different things i wanted to write, and then the time to write them would come and *poof* i wasn't sure quite what i'd wanted to say.  sometimes, when that happens, i think i must have worked out whatever i needed to work out in my head, so i no longer needed to actually type it out.  


anywhoo!  i think it's time to read.  : )  


i am so sick of SNOW!
i'm ready for spring.  i like wearing my long sleeve shirts & everything, and i'm not one of those "i'm ready for summer!" ppl.  but i am definitely ready for the end of the snow.  (sorry, trish!  and shelley!  and mercedes!  i know y'all love the snow!)  it's so pretty & all, especially when it's all big flakes floating down from the heavens... awww!  but then reality sets in & i have to shovel the crap & drive on slick roads & be prepared for the stupid driving of other ppl who don't want to admit the roads are slick & want to gun it down them!  
so.  yeah.  *laugh*
come on West Wind!  :D