so, the past few weeks have been kinda difficult. as a whole, Carriepalooza was one of the best. there were days when i had to force a little extra cheer - my actual birthday lunch was one of those days. prior to that day, i was quite happy & really enjoying my celebrations & the blessings (well, i always enjoy blessings - both giving and receiving them). but that day... *sigh*
it was super nice of everyone who came to come. the fact that any ppl show up to these parties gives me a warm fuzzy. : ) the cake was AMAZING, nicki always does a superb job & i'm pretty sure she'll be my official birthday cake maker until she gets sick of making them for me! *laugh* i was happy that phil (who, as a reminder, works 3rd shift & is usually sleeping during the time i had my lunch) joined us for eats. he even stayed for a bit after he ate. it was nice!
i admit to being disappointed that a couple ppl who RSVP'd did not show up & did not call/text/fb message/send a carrier pigeon to let me know they weren't going to make it. i admit to being disappointed that a couple of my aunts who normally come to my lunches were unable to do so this year because of scheduling conflicts.
but the things that sort of tipped me into ... "sad" mode - and it's silly - because i, most of the time i don't think like this, and it shouldn't even bother me, but it just does. for the past few years, on my birthday or soon before/after, my mom will mention something about my being "almost 40!" and she says it in this shocked, amazed voice. and i just wanted to be 32 or 35 or 37... because for some reason when i think about the fact that i'm "almost 40" it makes me sad. i don't feel almost 40. i don't even really feel like i'm in my 30's. maybe no one ever really does, or maybe some ppl always feel like they're some other age, older or younger than they are? or maybe it's because when i think 40, and i think about the lives of my contemporaries age-wise, friend-wise, i think about the fact that they've been married or w/ their SO for 10 or more years. the fact that - altho i don't want children myself - they're raising a new generation of little PEOPLE. anthony's in HIGH SCHOOL. some days i feel like i just turned 18 & will graduate soon & oh the possibilities of college! sarah & stephen are 10. they are a decade. a decade ago, things were so different. some bad, some good, but i thought that surely by the time i was 30, i would have fallen in love - the kind where the dude loves you back, ya know? not like my normal boy-crazy self, or "i love everyone" kind of love (because i do).
maybe having so much love for everyone means i don't get to have just one to myself? maybe the fact that i open myself, my heart, my emotions up too easily to anyone & everyone is the reason i can't?
i don't know. i do know that mom doesn't say the almost 40 thing because she's calling me an old maid or a spinster (look at me, throwing around book words. LOL this surprises no one, moving on). i'm sure she thinks about it in some form or another - occasionally she will randomly bring up my other favorite topic, dating, marriage, whathaveyou - but the reason she brings up my age in that amazed voice is because it's a reflection on her own. i know this, and for that reason i fight any hurt feelings i feel directly when she says it. because of our history, there are just things that automatically hurt me more when she says or does them, but because of certain healings the Lord has kindly done for me, i'm able to acknowledge the hurt and realize it's not on purpose, or not out of meanness. but those scars are still there. and it's still a struggle. i win, but anyone who has fought a war of any kind will tell you that winning can hurt, too.
the other thing that day that put me into this sad mode that i can't seem to shake, and that is making me feel decidedly grinchy this christmas, was a conversation i had w/ erin. we were going to see a movie - well, the usual plan for birthday party day is lunch & a movie, but everyone had plans already & no one was going to the movie, and erin said she'd go so then mom said she didn't really want to go, but then erin didn't really want to go, either, and i didn't feel like sitting through a movie that she wasn't going to enjoy. or, rather, making her sit through it - she works 3rd shift, too, and i know she was super tired that day!! but, so, anyway, on the way taking her home, we were talking about breakups & boyfriends & things, and i made some comment, to which she replied something about "just sex" and i flippantly said, "maybe that's just what i'm looking for at this point. no strings, just sex." and then she got all moral high ground - no, that's not the right phrase. it wasn't judgey like that, it was more like, "my life experience has taught me -this- or -that-" or whatever, and it just sort of pissed me off. like, really, truly pissed me off. i don't get pissed a lot. mildly irritated, highly irritated, sure. but PISSED? i don't even use that word 1/2 the time. i'm using it here to make a point. *laugh* (i can laugh about it now, sort of...and on the other hand it still sorta ... well, you know!)
i wasn't mad at her - well, i was a little, but the majority was just in general, upset at circumstances kind of thing.
the discussion that followed was about how when you bring sex into a relationship, there's always emotional involvement, that you can't HAVE sex w/o getting your heart involved. well, i know that's true for ME, but i don't think it's true in general. MY heart gets involved at the drop of a hat. my heart has been hurt more times than i can count, and sex very rarely played a part in that. my heart has nicks on it from all sorts of ppl, and still it leaps in & lets ppl in & it's not even a thought. but that's me. other ppl, i would think, have to be able to do the "just sex/no strings attached" thing, don't they? otherwise, ppl would never have more than 2 lovers in their lives. and i know a lot of ppl who have had A LOT more than 2 lovers in their lives.
i know the ideal. i know the ideal is one partner for life. marry, have sex, have kids, etc, etc.
statistically, i wonder how often that actually happens. even if you're a virgin when you get married - even if BOTH partners are virgins when they get married, w/ the divorce rate being what it is, and the re-marriage rate being what it is... how many ppl can say that they have been with ONE person? even in the Bible, do we have any Scriptural evidence that gives us statistics on how many biblical marriages consisted of two virgins? and then we have the old testament which is peppered w/ multiple wives & concubines... and these are belonging to the men who loved God, who had hearts after God!
i'm not saying that was the point of their stories. i'm saying, i guess, that it seems like a lot of the modern christian thoughts on sex and marriage don't hold up to reality. and that's sort of what pissed me off about the whole discussion w/ erin on that day. it was the fact that every day ppl get to be in love, and loved by someone who loves JUST THEM and wants to make them happy - and even if it doesn't last forever, they get to experience that. for the past however many years, i don't. i don't get the cuddles and the presents and the sex and the things that go along with all of that. i don't get the partner in crime, or the text that says "i love you" (well, okay, i get texts that say i love you, but from family! different kind of love - no less cherished, just different.) or the arguing over stupid crap like whose turn is it to unload the dishwasher.
are you enjoying my little word vomit novella? i'm sort of petering out, even tho this is really only the tip of the iceberg of what's been going through my head for the past few weeks.
are you ready for the dichotomy portion of how my brain works?
despite how my thoughts above may sound, and my absolute obsession w/ romance novels and hot, muscled (tatted and pierced are bonuses) guys... i'm not even sure i want to be in a relationship right now. i definitely don't want to be in just any relationship - and i sort of feel like that's what ppl want to push me into when i say anything about it. like, if i want to hang out & play cards w/ a friend who is a guy - suddenly, because i've mentioned that yes, i would like to get married some day, any single guy i hang out w/ ppl are asking intense personal questions. and then i feel defensive, even if i'm not trying to be. or, knowing of mr crushtastic (who i WOULD very much like to give a relationship a try with) they say things like, "just ask him out" or something equally as ... modern. *laugh* that's not the right word, either, but you know what i mean.
and i'm not writing this so that my dear friends and random strangers will read it & say, "chin up, carrie! your prince charming is out there! have you tried online dating? have you tried (insert dating advice here)?"
i don't need encouragement - i need to get laid. (ha, joking. sort of!)
i fully trust in the Lord, and in the fact that - if there is a boyfriend/husband out there in His plan for me - the man who is perfect for me will arrive at the time that is perfect for both of us. i also trust that there might not be a man in His plan for me anymore. the fact of the matter is that not everyone gets married. not everyone gets to have that happily ever after even IF they get married, but at least they got a shot. not everyone gets that shot. i have accepted the fact that i may be one of those ppl. i don't LIKE it, but i've ACCEPTED the possibility. i don't think i have any choice but to accept it.
and THAT, dear readers, is only what started my feelings of "meh"ness this holiday season.
grammy's not really doing well at all. my family is fighting - not necessarily out in the open, but they are not getting along just the same, because they each have different ideas about what is RIGHT for grammy, and instead of letting this pull them together they are drifting further apart. i don't know all the details of what's going on - i hear bits & pieces from each of them & have formed somewhat of an idea of the whole picture. but it's stressing them all the fuck out. which in turn stresses me out, because of that whole heart gets involved in everything, thing.
i haven't been able to see a lot of leyton lately, and even less of anthony. and neither one of them has been very helpful in the picture department this year, which means that i don't have a lot of pictures to use for the calendars that i usually make for mom, phil, jen... and i'm just not feeling it this year. i started making the calendar for mom for christmas because i had SO MANY pictures to share w/ her. but now she expects a calendar, and i just don't know that i have enough good pictures, and i just don't really have the motivation to even create the calendar this year. but i know if i don't, she'll be disappointed. and i don't want to disappoint her.
i decided to buck a 7 year tradition at work, as well, and not do christmas cups this year. i thought i might get some bags of candy & still do that, just not do cups, but ... honestly, i don't even want to do that. i want to do something nice, but i don't. i just feel MEH about the whole thing!
i have plans this weekend to volunteer for the FIRST Lego League even at the museum, and i was really excited about it & loved doing it a couple years ago - the kids are so talented, and the things they come up with!! and even tho i am more an arts person, what w/ the love of books & all, i like supporting STEM events. however - right now i'm feeling MEH about that, too. i have plans w/ a friend later that day. meh. i have plans w/ a friend the first day of christmas break. MEH. i don't want to go, at all, but i don't want to hurt their feelings, and i can't decide if i REALLY don't want to go or if it's just another part of the MEH feeling about a lot of things, ya know?
there ARE still things that take away the meh feeling - my books, hanging out w/ trish & casie & a few other friends who i'm not nervous around at all. nervous isn't the right word. i was going to say "who i'm comfortable with" but the other ppl don't make me UNcomfortable. not really. idk.
MEH MEH MEH!!!
anyway. i feel better having written all this out, and if anyone made it this far to actually READ IT, THANK YOU for taking time to do so. sorry if it took like an hour to get through my meh-y-ness.
i'm going to drink some coffee, brave the cold to have a smoke, and then dive back into Point of Retreat.