Sunday, December 29, 2013

party central

yep, that's totally me.


i did have a fun Christmas w/ the family, tho.  went over to mom's for gifts (leyton's pile was the biggest, of course.  felt a little bad for anthony, but then again not because as a teen, his presents are CASH so they don't take up as much packaging!  LOL).  

that color was bothering me.  so was that one.  this one is better.  i could change the whole thing to this color, but then you would miss the whole evolution of color part... *laugh*  

anyway!  hung out at mom's for awhile & then we went to aunt sandy's church for the annual party w/ my dad's side of the fam.  uncle john & aunt debi were there, woot!  they live in KY, so it was nice to get to see & hug on them!  :)  my cousin georgine thought she left her phone at her mom's, so we took a little adventure trip to find it.  it wasn't there.  thankfully, when we returned to the church, it was sitting on the coat rack... so, a "futile" trip, but we got some bonding time in, so was it really futile?  i don't think so... :)  it was a really nice christmas.  :)  i'm just sad that i didn't take any pictures!  i just wasn't feeling like getting my phone out... 

most of my break has been spent READING.  shocker.  ; )   trish & i hung out today for brunch & shopping.  al joined us for brunch.  steeplegate has this really amazing brunch - all sorts of yummy options!  i stuck w/ breakfast foods - eggs, bacon, sausage & gravy, waffle... and a cream puff.  oh, and some hash.  that was yummy but salty.  everything else was perfection!  and the coffee ... YUM!  after we ate, trish & i went to BAM where i used my gc from phil.  so many books...!  i got a lora leigh & a couple jill shalvis & an amanda quick & a couple new authors.  woot!  then we went to the book rack & i found a couple laura adrians.  *happy dance*  and i have an order in to amazon for a few as well... *happier dance*  *laugh*  

ummm... what else?  i'm sure lots, but that's all i can think of.  it's now gotten COLD and supposed to snow all week.  so i did get groceries before i came home today.  needed coffee!  (and cat food...)  but i still want to go back to old navy & see if cute santa is still there - not in the santa suit, of course.  or maybe... *grin*  but i'm prepared to be semi-entrenched in the house ... 

back to work on thursday, so just 3 more days of break.  i'm so thankful for this time to recharge!!  praying that 2014 starts out BLESSED.

anyone got any plans for NYE?  more than just reading?  ; )  


Saturday, December 21, 2013

post 111 - a day of SMILES

today was a blessed and fantabulous day!  :)  

mom picked me up at 11 & we met phil & leyton at osaka for lunch.  lots of fun, and we had a very interesting conversation about how it doesn't bother me to eat or drink after ppl i don't know.  neither mom nor phil believes me, but *shrug*  it doesn't bother me.  i mean, if there was something gross left behind, THAT would bother me, but that would bother me whether i knew the person or not.  i've shared cigarettes w/ ppl i didn't know (okay, once, on the sidewalk in chicago outside a restaurant, and the waiter was cuuuute)... 

poor kid - he has a loose tooth & it was bothering him.
he was all happy one second & then got a twinge that really hurt him & : ( !

anywhoodle.  it was nice to have phil w/ us for lunch!  : )  on our way out, leyton asked for quarters to get some ninjas.  then i wanted a ninja!!  (the ninja did not get to come home w/ me because leyton wanted it, and well, why not? *grin*)  our ninjas were christmas colored - how appropriate!!  

then we decided we wanted more ninjas, so we gathered a few more quarters & leyton & i went back inside & got 7 more.  *laugh*  yes, we bought a total of 10 ninjas from that little machine!  

next, we headed to old navy so i could see if they had my shoes.  no dice.  but what they DID have was ... SANTA!  a very tall, very sweet santa w/ beautiful eyes, who i would very much like to get to know better - with or without the santa suit.  ; )  i sorta got the feeling i should know him, but i don't know anyone who works at old navy... but i would LIKE to...  *laugh* there were some t-shirts i was looking at that i might need to go back for on monday... (seriously, tho, can't life be a little bit like a romance novel & not just in the quirky meeting part, but some sort of follow thru?  *sigh*)  

okay, so!  leyton picked out a couple TMNT things for me to get for him there, so i did.  i'll hopefully get to take him to the JD store on tuesday to pick out his "big" gift.  after old navy, we went to monkey joe's.  well, mom & leyton did, and i took her car & went down to popcorn charlie's.  business was GOOD to them today - their shelves were BARE!  i did manage to get mom's mix & a small bag for me, but there weren't any of the flavors i wanted to get anthony, so i'll have to try back later.  also filled leyton's tin w/ caramel corn.  : )  then i went to walgreen's for a couple things & headed back to MJ's to pick up mom & leyton.  ohhh... i DID manage to squeeze in a visit to starbucks, as well.  ; )  that line was CRAZY today!  

we hung out at MJ's for a few more minutes & then headed to CFA for dinner.  also, the ninjas needed to have some sort of meeting... 

while at CFA, had a FB moment of - i know you, but i don't really know you - which was just funny.  kris has been at CFA forever, and we've been FB friends forever, and yet i'd never seen him at CFA til tonight.  (which is sorta ironic, because he'll be leaving there soon & starting at a different company more in his field soon.)  and i recognized him, but i didn't suddenly say, "kris!  hi!" because i'm apparently a dork.  and also idk if we've ever actually met... which is kinda funny, don'tchya think?  i know him, but don't know him.  or - rather - idk if he knows me.  or knows who i am?  like, in a general FB sense yes.  but in a real world sense?  idk.  if i had said, "kris!  hi!" would he have known who i am bc of FB photos?  (or, more likely, from recognizing leyton from FB posts, since i post pictures of him all the time!  LOL)  i sometimes forget that ppl might actually know who i am.  i just assume they don't.  

anywhoo.  *laugh*  does any of that make sense at all?  

i may be slightly nuts.  

so, after dinner, they dropped me off home & i got my mail & my books weren't there & i was sad.  :(  

and THEN when i got up to my door - my books had arrived!!!  

*happy dance*

so, to recap, today was beautifully blessed because i got to spend time w/ mom, leyton, and phil.  i ate yummy food.  i met an adorable Santa who made me smile.  i have books.

and, also, ninjas.  : ) 

i hope your saturday was just as blessed!!

(and also, seriously, if anyone knows who Santa is & he's single & in any way remembers fondly the slightly nutty gal who was looking for her peeps, give him my number!)  


Tuesday, December 17, 2013


today was a rough day.  it should have been a fun day, but i was feeling pretty grumpy for most of it.  nothing triggered it, really, and - just for anyone who might think it, no, it is not the right time of the month for irrational grumpiness.  if it were, the grumpiness wouldn't really be irrational, as there would be a cause for it!  *laugh*  

even seeing mr c wasn't enough to kick me out of the grumpies.

we had a cookie exchange today & i helped set up & distribute cookies & if i hadn't been feeling grumpy, it would have been really fun!  i spent part of my time trying to find missing christmas trees, tho.  we think someone may have absconded w/ them last year... :(  

my afternoon was decidedly better, tho, and a few things finally got me mostly out of the doldrums.  lunch w/ a friend at happy joe's & they had my favorite (sausage) pizza & my former wall-mate is always very good company!!  : )  then, i got to e-chat w/ april for a bit, which made me feel tons better.  AND i got to chat w/ someone about timecards & he ALWAYS makes me smile.  he's a riot!  he'd sent me an email asking me to call him when i got a chance, and apparently i called right after i got the note because his first words were, "wow, you're fast!"  and i made a comment about being faster than jimmie john's & then he made a comment which i found hilarious but he suddenly was like, "ooh, you're HR, that could have been inappropriate."  i assured him i found it hilarious & not offensive (perhaps a bit risque, but even that wasn't intentional!).  then he proceeded to make me laugh for the next 10 minutes while we went over timecard stuff.  laughter really IS the best medicine.  

and right before i left, another friend IM'd me to see if i'd go check out what was left of the cookie table, so we did that & that was fun!  : )  

then, i got to come home & snuggle up w/ my book (Sweet Home by Tillie Cole - i wasn't sure if i liked it in the beginning.  the writing style takes some getting used to.  but now i'm a bit over 1/2 way & really love it!!  : )  

so, hopefully the good mood carries over into tomorrow... 

for now, a couple more chapters & then i must SLEEP!


OH!  on the way in to work this morning, i stopped at starbucks & got a sample blueberry donut - did you even know they had those?  it was yummy!  also, there were some packages on the road - i hope no one ran into them!  :(  and that they didn't get destroyed & make their way back home... eep!  

Sunday, December 15, 2013

december 14th - a good day

saturday was a really good day!
the volunteering opportunity was lots of fun!  i was a the check in desk for volunteers, and i think i'm going to request that particular job for any other times i'm able to volunteer for a FIRST event.  i really love that part!!  there was also a very cute & funny guy ... *grin*  

i got quite a bit of christmas shopping done afterward.  bath & body works, the JD store, and then i decided to go to the book rack while i waited to meet mom for lunch.  i hadn't been to the book rack in a couple months, which is just crazy!  but i've been buying books from amazon & prior to my "break" i had been in there a couple times a week for a few months & wanted to give the books time to regen.  (that will make sense to you if you're a bookstore addict like me!)  i'm so glad i chose yesterday to go in!  i had a feeling i should go... 
so, there was an author there doing a signing, E.D. Martin.  i picked up a signed copy of her book, The Lone Wolf, and it looks good.  : )  i love supporting indie authors, local authors, big-name authors who have the personality of indie authors... you know, they sell thousands upon thousands of books, and are loved in many countries, but they're humble & nice & regular-ppl-like?  anyway, she was super nice & passionate about her book, and also had a really cool watch.  heh.  "it's just a cheap plastic watch," she said, but i liked it anyway!  : )  

oh, also, as a side note, when i walked in - even after not being there for a couple months - i was greeted w/ "hi carrie!"  and that made me feel warm & fuzzy & happy inside.  

AND i found a couple books by favored authors that i didn't have yet.  
also, i learned my lesson about picking up books from other favorite authors w/o the book that has my lists - i ended up buying one of JQ's that i already have... d'oh!  

i met mom for lunch at the new osaka, and it was DELISH!!  huge buffet line!  i was smart & got a plate of regular food & a plate of sushi, so that way i didn't have to go back up!  *laugh*  it was nice to have an opportunity to chat w/ mom, too.  she's still super stressed, but she was in a good mood & she & aunt jan & aunt janie (& aunt carol?  i assume all of them...) have set up a time to discuss some stuff, so that will be good.

i came home to a BIG BOX OF BOOKS!  i would insert a picture of them here, but for some reason my wonderful option of adding pictures from my phone is having issues... *pouty face*  ah well, anyway, i read Connected By the Sea for a bit & then headed over to phil's to hang out w/ leyton for a bit.  that way phil could get a few hours of sleep before work & mom could go to saturday service.  : )  leyton & i were mostly doing our own thing - i was reading & he was playing Guns & then football on his dad's phone.  heh.  i made him turn Guns down - those machine guns are loud!!  before i left, we did manage to play together a bit - he wanted to show me his fighting skills - that kid can PUNCH!  i wish i had the money (or any of us did) to get him into MA.  i know he'd love it!  but, he's in baseball & basketball & enjoys those, so i suppose he can't be in everything!  *laugh*  

when mom got home, i headed to CFA to meet jessica for dinner.  we had a great visit as always!  she is one of those ppl that i'm comfortable w/.  we don't get to see each other often, but when we do it's chat-chat-chat & there's no feeling of "haven't seen you in awhile what do we talk about?"  ya know?  that right there, kids, is a sign of a good friend!

however, by the end of the day i was EXHAUSTED (pleasantly so) & i ended up falling asleep w/ only like 10 pages of my book left!  it was a good day.  i needed a good day!!  : )  

today has been very relaxing & restful.  finished CBtS & read A Beautiful Wedding (such a perfect novella for fans of Beautiful Disaster & Walking Disaster!!) & now i'm going to read a bit of Text before heading over to trish's to hang out & watch our shows.  woot!  

i hope your weekend has been a good one, and that you have a beautiful monday!!  : )  



Wednesday, December 11, 2013

something real

so, the past few weeks have been kinda difficult.  as a whole, Carriepalooza was one of the best.  there were days when i had to force a little extra cheer - my actual birthday lunch was one of those days.  prior to that day, i was quite happy & really enjoying my celebrations & the blessings (well, i always enjoy blessings - both giving and receiving them).  but that day... *sigh*  

it was super nice of everyone who came to come.  the fact that any ppl show up to these parties gives me a warm fuzzy.  : )  the cake was AMAZING, nicki always does a superb job & i'm pretty sure she'll be my official birthday cake maker until she gets sick of making them for me!  *laugh*  i was happy that phil (who, as a reminder, works 3rd shift & is usually sleeping during the time i had my lunch) joined us for eats.  he even stayed for a bit after he ate.  it was nice!  

i admit to being disappointed that a couple ppl who RSVP'd did not show up & did not call/text/fb message/send a carrier pigeon to let me know they weren't going to make it.  i admit to being disappointed that a couple of my aunts who normally come to my lunches were unable to do so this year because of scheduling conflicts.  

but the things that sort of tipped me into ... "sad" mode - and it's silly - because i, most of the time i don't think like this, and it shouldn't even bother me, but it just does.  for the past few years, on my birthday or soon before/after, my mom will mention something about my being "almost 40!"  and she says it in this shocked, amazed voice.  and i just wanted to be 32 or 35 or 37... because for some reason when i think about the fact that i'm "almost 40" it makes me sad.  i don't feel almost 40.  i don't even really feel like i'm in my 30's.  maybe no one ever really does, or maybe some ppl always feel like they're some other age, older or younger than they are?  or maybe it's because when i think 40, and i think about the lives of my contemporaries age-wise, friend-wise, i think about the fact that they've been married or w/ their SO for 10 or more years.  the fact that - altho i don't want children myself - they're raising a new generation of little PEOPLE.  anthony's in HIGH SCHOOL.  some days i feel like i just turned 18 & will graduate soon & oh the possibilities of college!  sarah & stephen are 10.  they are a decade.  a decade ago, things were so different.  some bad, some good, but i thought that surely by the time i was 30, i would have fallen in love - the kind where the dude loves you back, ya know?  not like my normal boy-crazy self, or "i love everyone" kind of love (because i do).  

maybe having so much love for everyone means i don't get to have just one to myself?  maybe the fact that i open myself, my heart, my emotions up too easily to anyone & everyone is the reason i can't?  

i don't know.  i do know that mom doesn't say the almost 40 thing because she's calling me an old maid or a spinster (look at me, throwing around book words.  LOL  this surprises no one, moving on).  i'm sure she thinks about it in some form or another - occasionally she will randomly bring up my other favorite topic, dating, marriage, whathaveyou - but the reason she brings up my age in that amazed voice is because it's a reflection on her own.  i know this, and for that reason i fight any hurt feelings i feel directly when she says it.  because of our history, there are just things that automatically hurt me more when she says or does them, but because of certain healings the Lord has kindly done for me, i'm able to acknowledge the hurt and realize it's not on purpose, or not out of meanness.  but those scars are still there.  and it's still a struggle.  i win, but anyone who has fought a war of any kind will tell you that winning can hurt, too.  

the other thing that day that put me into this sad mode that i can't seem to shake, and that is making me feel decidedly grinchy this christmas, was a conversation i had w/ erin.  we were going to see a movie - well, the usual plan for birthday party day is lunch & a movie, but everyone had plans already & no one was going to the movie, and erin said she'd go so then mom said she didn't really want to go, but then erin didn't really want to go, either, and i didn't feel like sitting through a movie that she wasn't going to enjoy.  or, rather, making her sit through it - she works 3rd shift, too, and i know she was super tired that day!!  but, so, anyway, on the way taking her home, we were talking about breakups & boyfriends & things, and i made some comment, to which she replied something about "just sex" and i flippantly said, "maybe that's just what i'm looking for at this point.  no strings, just sex."  and then she got all moral high ground - no, that's not the right phrase.  it wasn't judgey like that, it was more like, "my life experience has taught me -this- or -that-" or whatever, and it just sort of pissed me off.  like, really, truly pissed me off.  i don't get pissed a lot.  mildly irritated, highly irritated, sure.  but PISSED?  i don't even use that word 1/2 the time.  i'm using it here to make a point.  *laugh*  (i can laugh about it now, sort of...and on the other hand it still sorta ... well, you know!)  

i wasn't mad at her - well, i was a little, but the majority was just in general, upset at circumstances kind of thing.

the discussion that followed was about how when  you bring sex into a relationship, there's always emotional involvement, that you can't HAVE sex w/o getting your heart involved.  well, i know that's true for ME, but i don't think it's true in general.  MY heart gets involved at the drop of a hat.  my heart has been hurt more times than i can count, and sex very rarely played a part in that.  my heart has nicks on it from all sorts of ppl, and still it leaps in & lets ppl in & it's not even a thought.  but that's me.  other ppl, i would think, have to be able to do the "just sex/no strings attached" thing, don't they?  otherwise, ppl would never have more than 2 lovers in their lives.  and i know a lot of ppl who have had A LOT more than 2 lovers in their lives.  

i know the ideal.  i know the ideal is one partner for life.  marry, have sex, have kids, etc, etc.  

statistically, i wonder how often that actually happens.  even if you're a virgin when you get married - even if BOTH partners are virgins when they get married, w/ the divorce rate being what it is, and the re-marriage rate being what it is... how many ppl can say that they have been with ONE person?  even in the Bible, do we have any Scriptural evidence that gives us statistics on how many biblical marriages consisted of two virgins?  and then we have the old testament which is peppered w/ multiple wives & concubines... and these are belonging to the men who loved God, who had hearts after God!  

i'm not saying that was the point of their stories.  i'm saying, i guess, that it seems like a lot of the modern christian thoughts on sex and marriage don't hold up to reality.  and that's sort of what pissed me off about the whole discussion w/ erin on that day.  it was the fact that every day ppl get to be in love, and loved by someone who loves JUST THEM and wants to make them happy - and even if it doesn't last forever, they get to experience that.  for the past however many years, i don't.  i don't get the cuddles and the presents and the sex and the things that go along with all of that.  i don't get the partner in crime, or the text that says "i love you" (well, okay, i get texts that say i love you, but from family!  different kind of love - no less cherished, just different.) or the arguing over stupid crap like whose turn is it to unload the dishwasher.  


are you enjoying my little word vomit novella?  i'm sort of petering out, even tho this is really only the tip of the iceberg of what's been going through my head for the past few weeks.  

are you ready for the dichotomy portion of how my brain works?

despite how my thoughts above may sound, and my absolute obsession w/ romance novels and hot, muscled (tatted and pierced are bonuses) guys... i'm not even sure i want to be in a relationship right now.  i definitely don't want to be in just any relationship - and i sort of feel like that's what ppl want to push me into when i say anything about it.  like, if i want to hang out & play cards w/ a friend who is a guy - suddenly, because i've mentioned that yes, i would like to get married some day, any single guy i hang out w/ ppl are asking intense personal questions.  and then i feel defensive, even if i'm not trying to be.  or, knowing of mr crushtastic (who i WOULD very much like to give a relationship a try with) they say things like, "just ask him out" or something equally as ... modern.  *laugh*  that's not the right word, either, but you know what i mean.

and i'm not writing this so that my dear friends and random strangers will read it & say, "chin up, carrie!  your prince charming is out there!  have  you tried online dating?  have you tried (insert dating advice here)?"

i don't need encouragement - i need to get laid.  (ha, joking.  sort of!)

i fully trust in the Lord, and in the fact that - if there is a boyfriend/husband out there in His plan for me - the man who is perfect for me will arrive at the time that is perfect for both of us.  i also trust that there might not be a man in His plan for me anymore.  the fact of the matter is that not everyone gets married.  not everyone gets to have that happily ever after even IF they get married, but at least they got a shot.  not everyone gets that shot.  i have accepted the fact that i may be one of those ppl.  i don't LIKE it, but i've ACCEPTED the possibility.  i don't think i have any choice but to accept it.

and THAT, dear readers, is only what started my feelings of "meh"ness this holiday season.

grammy's not really doing well at all.  my family is fighting - not necessarily out in the open, but they are not getting along just the same, because they each have different ideas about what is RIGHT for grammy, and instead of letting this pull them together they are drifting further apart.  i don't know all the details of what's going on - i hear bits & pieces from each of them & have formed somewhat of an idea of the whole picture.  but it's stressing them all the fuck out.  which in turn stresses me out, because of that whole heart gets involved in everything, thing.  

i haven't been able to see a lot of leyton lately, and even less of anthony.  and neither one of them has been very helpful in the picture department this year, which means that i don't have a lot of pictures to use for the calendars that i usually make for mom, phil, jen... and i'm just not feeling it this year.  i started making the calendar for mom for christmas because i had SO MANY pictures to share w/ her.  but now she expects a calendar, and i just don't know that i have enough good pictures, and i just don't really have the motivation to even create the calendar this year.  but i know if i don't, she'll be disappointed.  and i don't want to disappoint her.

i decided to buck a 7 year tradition at work, as well, and not do christmas cups this year.  i thought i might get some bags of candy & still do that, just not do cups, but ... honestly, i don't even want to do that.  i want to do something nice, but i don't.  i just feel MEH about the whole thing!  

i have plans this weekend to volunteer for the FIRST Lego League even at the museum, and i was really excited about it & loved doing it a couple years ago - the kids are so talented, and the things they come up with!!  and even tho i am more an arts person, what w/ the love of books & all, i like supporting STEM events.  however - right now i'm feeling MEH about that, too.  i have plans w/ a friend later that day.  meh.  i have plans w/ a friend the first day of christmas break.  MEH.  i don't want to go, at all, but i don't want to hurt their feelings, and i can't decide if i REALLY don't want to go or if it's just another part of the MEH feeling about a lot of things, ya know?  

there ARE still things that take away the meh feeling - my books, hanging out w/ trish & casie & a few other friends who i'm not nervous around at all.  nervous isn't the right word.  i was going to say "who i'm comfortable with" but the other ppl don't make me UNcomfortable.  not really.  idk.  


anyway.  i feel better having written all this out, and if anyone made it this far to actually READ IT, THANK  YOU for taking time to do so.  sorry if it took like an hour to get through my meh-y-ness.  

i'm going to drink some coffee, brave the cold to have a smoke, and then dive back into Point of Retreat.  


Monday, December 2, 2013

back to reality

it's so nice to have a loooong weekend!  i had so much fun hanging out w/ mom & phil & leyton, & trish, and READING!!  : )   but, today, it was back to work work work.  *laugh*  i am soooo grateful that i love my job!  today was quite insane, but even when i was frustrated, it was nice to share it w/ co-workers, get it out of my system, and figure out a polite way to respond to some of the massive email.  LOL  

i'm reading Rule by Jay Crownover right now & i'm LOVING it!  if the rest of the story is as good as the first 1/2, then i will certainly be getting the other books in the Marked Men series (Marked as in TATTOOS!  woot!  *laugh*  i may be a little wound up right now... LOL).  : )  i didn't want to go to bed last night from reading it.  i didn't want to leave my car after my book break.  and i ALMOST didn't get groceries after work cuz i just wanted to come home to READ!  *grin*  but, my desire for salad & milk overrode that for a bit, and i did go to the Target after work.  rah!  

when i got home, i decided to check my mail - since Remy came early, i figured the books that were supposed to arrive tomorrow might arrive today.  AND THEY DID!!!  *bounceclap*  *happy sigh*  

so!  now the groceries are put away, i ate some cheese on the way home so i'm no longer starving, and i think i'll read for a bit before deciding if i'm having sushi or salad for dinner.  :)  

how's everyone doing this monday???