Tuesday, July 2, 2013

swirly

so many thoughts swirl through my mind constantly.  sometimes i feel like if i don't share them, they will just keep running around & around in my head.  and sometimes, i don't know how to share them.  sometimes i feel like i always have to be happy, even when i'm feeling grumpy.  i feel apologetic for being grumpy, like, it's not what ppl expect me to be and it's not really who i AM, but sometimes it is.  sometimes i don't feel like smiling or being friendly or kind or nice.  but it's like i can't help myself.  i don't want to be mean, i want to be a blessing in everything i do.  i want to make ppl happy.  sometimes i'm not happy.  

even typing that, thinking it, it feels like a betrayal to myself.  

i'm grateful that i am mostly happy.  i mean, i know that i'm blessed, and i'm so thankful for all the blessings.  even when i'm in pain (every day), i don't want ppl to know it.  and at the same time i DO want ppl to know it, but i don't want them to feel bad about it.  i strive to be honest, because i feel like three's just no time for secrets.  well, not secrets, exactly.  i mean, it's not like i'm going to ask mr c out or anything, and isn't that kind of a secret?  LOL  a very well-known secret, but not one i'm going to act on.  for all my "open book" personality, i'm not that brave.  that's a silly turn of phrase, tho, as it's not really about courage.  it still boils down to not wanting to make someone else feel badly.  i wouldn't want to put someone in the position of having to say no.  

or something like that.  it's late, i need to sleep.  and those are only a portion of the thoughts swirling through my head!  

aren't you glad i shared?  

here's some more normal carrie-thought.  

today was a pretty good day.  there were good conversations had with ppl (not mr c, today, pity.  LOL).  got to hang out w/ mom & watch BB.  : )  read some nice stories - altho this particular anthology i'm reading has reminded me of what i don't like about short stories - sometimes they just seem so rushed, and other times there is just not ENOUGH of them.  and also, one of the stories i read today didn't give me my HEA & it just seemed unfinished (perhaps because there will be a longer book with these characters eventually?  i can hope, anyway!).  and that annoyed me.  then the next story had a hint of HEA, but not quite enough.  idk.  i like resolution in the stories i read, ya know?  

um.  and then i was reading character profiles & character blogs on sherri's site & that made me want to dive back into the dark-hunter world, but maybe i'll do that in august & re-read the whole series before styxx comes out.  : )  and i still want to win that contest!!!  *prays*  *sigh*  

agh, it's 11:30 & tomorrow will hopefully be busy & go fast so that it will then be the weeeeekend & time for my trip & stuff!!  :)  

that's enough of a peek into carrie for today, i think.  good night & i hope your day was lovely!!  

ttfn!  

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