so many thoughts swirl through my mind constantly. sometimes i feel like if i don't share them, they will just keep running around & around in my head. and sometimes, i don't know how to share them. sometimes i feel like i always have to be happy, even when i'm feeling grumpy. i feel apologetic for being grumpy, like, it's not what ppl expect me to be and it's not really who i AM, but sometimes it is. sometimes i don't feel like smiling or being friendly or kind or nice. but it's like i can't help myself. i don't want to be mean, i want to be a blessing in everything i do. i want to make ppl happy. sometimes i'm not happy.
even typing that, thinking it, it feels like a betrayal to myself.
i'm grateful that i am mostly happy. i mean, i know that i'm blessed, and i'm so thankful for all the blessings. even when i'm in pain (every day), i don't want ppl to know it. and at the same time i DO want ppl to know it, but i don't want them to feel bad about it. i strive to be honest, because i feel like three's just no time for secrets. well, not secrets, exactly. i mean, it's not like i'm going to ask mr c out or anything, and isn't that kind of a secret? LOL a very well-known secret, but not one i'm going to act on. for all my "open book" personality, i'm not that brave. that's a silly turn of phrase, tho, as it's not really about courage. it still boils down to not wanting to make someone else feel badly. i wouldn't want to put someone in the position of having to say no.
or something like that. it's late, i need to sleep. and those are only a portion of the thoughts swirling through my head!
aren't you glad i shared?
here's some more normal carrie-thought.
today was a pretty good day. there were good conversations had with ppl (not mr c, today, pity. LOL). got to hang out w/ mom & watch BB. : ) read some nice stories - altho this particular anthology i'm reading has reminded me of what i don't like about short stories - sometimes they just seem so rushed, and other times there is just not ENOUGH of them. and also, one of the stories i read today didn't give me my HEA & it just seemed unfinished (perhaps because there will be a longer book with these characters eventually? i can hope, anyway!). and that annoyed me. then the next story had a hint of HEA, but not quite enough. idk. i like resolution in the stories i read, ya know?
um. and then i was reading character profiles & character blogs on sherri's site & that made me want to dive back into the dark-hunter world, but maybe i'll do that in august & re-read the whole series before styxx comes out. : ) and i still want to win that contest!!! *prays* *sigh*
agh, it's 11:30 & tomorrow will hopefully be busy & go fast so that it will then be the weeeeekend & time for my trip & stuff!! :)
that's enough of a peek into carrie for today, i think. good night & i hope your day was lovely!!